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VNDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, 

No. 417. 



The Little Wife. 



{DRAMA ) 



WITH CAST OF OHARAOTKRS, KNTRANOES ANDEXITS, 

aELATIVB POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, 

DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

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Arrab de Baugn 7 

Aurora Floyd 7 

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By Force of Love 8 

Beauty of Lyons 11 

Bill Detrick 7 

Brae, the Poor House Girl.... 4 

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Beyond Pardon 7 

Conn; or, Love's Victory 11 

Clefiring the Mists 5 

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Henrv Granden 11 

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Hidden Hand 15 

Josh Winchester 5 

Kathleen Mavoumeen 12 

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Miriam's Crime 5 

Michael Erie 8 

Miller of Derwent Water 5 

Mistletoe Bough 7 

Mountebanks (The) 6 

New York Book Agent 7 



NO. 

^7 Our Country Aunt 

223 Old Honesty 

81 Old Phil's Birthday 

333 Our Kittie , 

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196 Oath Bound 6 

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121 Will-o'-the-Wisp, 9 

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192 Zion 7 

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75 Adrift 5 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge 6 

264 Dot; the Miner's Daughter... S 

202 Drunkard [The] M 

185 Drunkard's Warning t 

189 Drunkard's Doom !• 

181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 1^ 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup i 

104 Lost < 



-^The Little Wife> 



fc 



A COMEDY DRAMA, 

IN FOUR ACTS, 



— BY 



ArZ. CHIPMAN 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 

V DESCRirTlOK OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARAC- 
TERS- E^'TRANCES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS 
OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE 
^YHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



Entered accoicliiig: to act oT Congress in the year 1900 by 

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,,^ 86156 ^"^-^^^^ 

SECOND COPY. FER^41900 

THE LITTLE WIFE 
CAST OF CHARACTERS, q (J 3 £^ ^^ 

Bob Quick, A. U. S. S. S. D. ', 

Joe Clayton, A farmer kid. 

CouNCEi.LOR GrOKMAN, A trkkster. 

Injun John, .The doctor. 

CoL. Mattekson Vida's fathefw 

Bubbles, Colored servant. 

EsTELLE Adair, Under a cloud* 

ViDA, A child martyr- 

Madeline Adair, , Adventuress- 

TIME OF FLA YINQ—1 hour and Jfi rain utes, 

COSTUMES— Modern 

PROPERTIES. 

Tray and letter in hotel for Bubbles; boquet for Matterson; basket 
of flowers for Vida; two satchels for Joe; dishes, tablecloth, bread, 
cake, cold meat, etc., kitchen table, pan with dough in, pan of tlour, 
moulding board, roller, biscuit cutter, dripping pan, coffee-pot, disli 
■\\'ith hard biscuit, basket with half a dozen bundles in it, hoopskirt 
done up in paper, tin horn, comb, brush and powder puff, and 
lightning powder. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT I. — Sunset Park — Waiting for the mail— Gorman starts his 
little scheme— Joe takes a hand — Vida surprised — The song and tlie 
echo— A mother's grave — Bob Quick witli a bundle so thick — Vida 
and Joe talk business — A contemptable plot — The two daughters— 
Vida's eyes are opened — "I may be small, but I am still on earth!" 
—Crushed roses — *'I must be first choice in your heart or nonel" 

ACT 11.— Two weeks supposed to have elapsed^Colonel Matter- 
son's Library, St. George Hotel — Another scandal — ^l>ob tries to 
fascinate Vida— A busted scheme — Gorman i-etunis -Writing ii letter 
at the wrong time — Tvyo eyes watching— Vida's little trick — The 
wedding gilt torn to pieces — "A father who is robbing liisown child!" 
' A('T III.. — Mountain side farm, Joe's home — Vida turns cook — 
Cotl^ee'tor tliree — Pepper and spaulding's glue— The visiiors — "I've 
loved, only to be knocked out" — "I don't care if a grist-mill busts!" 
—Knife aiid fork serenade — Gormaii: and his umbrella — '"Tlu-re is the 
check and tliere is the door!" - ,; 

ACT IV. — Madeline A'Dair's private parlor. St. Gi-(^ri;p hotel— Five 
hours supposed to Ivave elapsed — Madeline is resolved —Quick tries 
ro reason— Shut off by thesize of his foot — I'v.liih do.-.s not succeed in 
her good intentions— Arrival of Injun John— Vida and John to the 
rescue --Arrest of Gorman— A united family. 






<) *- '-^ 



qb 



THE LITTLE WIFE 



ACT I. 



SCENE.— Garden or landscape hacking; hotel l., 2 e., ?wo(Z ifli/?^'^; loood 
borders; set tree r,, 2 e., loith rustic bench under tree; rustic chair l., 
l-E.;floicer stand — curtain rises to lively wiw^/c— Counsellor Gor- 
man is seated r. , looking l. 

Gorman. I wonder if the fair lady and her charming daughter 
have risen yet, and what new scheme she has concocted for to-day. 

Enter Bubbles, bell boy from hotel l,, with tray and letter. 

Bubbles. A letter for you, sir. 

Gar. Did it come on the second mail? 

Bub. No sir, it came from the second floor. 

Gm'. Second floor? 

Bub. Yes sir, room 46. 

Gor. Very well, you can go. 

Bub. Yes, sir. (going l., aside) It seems to me there are a good 
many family secrets going on around dis here house, which am de 
duty of every good servant to investigate. (exit, in hotel, l. 

Goi'. (readsletter) "See Col. Matterson at your earliest convenience. 
Do not forget my instructions, discrete cunning, and we shall 
triumph. M. " Ah! Madeline Adair, you have a brain to think and 
an eye to watch, a scheming, resolute purpose born within, that 
should stamp you the cliampion adventuress of the world. 

Enter Joe Clayton, r. u. e., sees Gorman. 

Joe. I beg pardon, sir! but is Mr. Bob Quick stopping at this 
hotel? (Gorman rises and crosses to i,. 

Gor. How the devil should I know? 

Joe. I don't know, sir! but I don't think civility costs much. 

Gor. Well, if it did, I have none to sell. 

Joe. That's what I thought. 

Gor. Oh! bah! (exit in hotel, i,. 

Joe. The same to you sir! and many of them. As sure as I am 
standing here, I've seen that man before. Why, yes! I remember 
now, I was only a boy then, but I haven't forgotten that face; his 



4 THE LITTLE WIFE. 

name is Gorman, aswindler, who fifteen years ag-o nil net! my father, 
caused his death, and left me alone in the Avorld. Tlie sio'ht of his 
face has aroused a feeling here, {imts hand over heart) tliat 1 never 
felt towards man before. He will not recognize me, and I shall 
watch him at every turn, {looks l.) He is coming back iliis way; a 
gentleman with him; they are deeply interested in conversation— 
Mhat deviltry is afloat? It may be imprudent, still 1 can't resist 
listening. {^retires at hack of arbor, it. 

Enter Colonel MATTEiisoiH and Gow^iA-isifrom hotel, l. 

Gor. My dear Colonel, I have noticed of late that yon appear 
hielancholy, strangely dejected, whicli I have always considered 
the opposite of your nature. Surely you should be happy, a man 
A\ (U-th nearly a million. 

Maiterson. All of that! sir! all of that. {iiits u. 

Gor. (c.) I am glad of it my friend. I wish it were twice as 
much. 

Mat. I believe you, Councellor. You understand the property was 
left me by Yida's mother. I have been careful the amount should 
never grow less. 

Gor. Jt is very true. Yida has a bright future. Do you think 
she appreciates it? 

Mat. Yida is a child, and hardly old enough to understand. 

Gor. She was, I believe, a great favorite with her mother? 

Mat. Yes, she idolized her mother, and never cared much for me. 

Gor. Is it possible! That probably accounts for her somewhat 
seeming indilference towards you. 

Mat. You are exactly right, and it annoys me to hear people call 
lier wild. I cannot account for her romping disposition; she^ prefers 
the wild woods with a party of halloaing children to tlie relined air 
of a lady's parlor. There is a great difference between iier and 
Madam Adair's beautiful daughter. She seems to sympathize with 
me in all my troubles, and 1 firmly believe she cares more for me to- 
day than does my own child. 

Gor. The Adairs are charming people. 

Mat. Are you well acquainted with them, Councellor? 

Gor. Oh! yes, we have been staunch friends of years standing. 
I have a feeling of pity for the mother. She was cruelly treated by 
her husband, who for her good, thank heaven, is dead. She would 
liave made a good man an amiable wife — good women are so few. 

Mat. {rises) True, true! but I shall have to bid you good morning, 
for the present. Councellor. I shall see you later in tiie day. Not a 
word of our conversation to anyone. {exit u., 1 e. 

Gor. {goes ton., 1 B.) Not a word. Ah! my gallant Colonel, the 
seed is planted. I'll take good care that it grows. 

Enter Madam Adaui, from hotel, l. 

Madeline. "Well Councellor, Mhat success? 
Gor. Excellent, .the battle wil^l be easily won. 
Mad. And you believe I shall yet be his wife? 
Gor. 1 do. 

Mad. And his fortune shall yet be mine? 
Gor. All i)f it in time. 



THE LITTLE WIFE. 6 

Mad. Will his daughter influence liim? 

Gor. If so, I shall poison his mind. 

Mad. You shall luive j'our rewavd. We m usfc not be seen together. 
I will go and look foi* Estelle {exit, n. c. e. 

Oor. If I aid you to success in your devilish plot, my reward shall 
be a large one. {exit in hotel, l. 

Enter Jok, from hcJiind arhor. 

Joe. AVell, I'm only Joe Clayton, porter of the Sea View Hotel. 
I ain't supposed to know very much, but if cultured society makes 
such scoundrels as those people, 1 Ihiuik Ciod [ was born up here in 
the woods. I wish jNlr. Quick would come; lie said he wanted to see 
me about his baggage, as he expected to (;ome up here and stop. 
He's a jolly sortof Tellow, and I hate to have him leave the Sea A^iew. 
I suppose there's some reason lor it. I couldn't exactly catch all 
those folks said, and I don't suppose it's any of m.y business. I'd 
like to know who Vida is, I wonder if she is "the pretty little girl I 
drove up from the depot about si\- weeks ago. If t thought it was, 
and was sure they meant any luirm to her, they'd find Joe Clayton a 
watch-dog in the girl's defence. 

(YiDA IS heard singing outside i\. e., Joe retires k. 

Enter YiT>\, ii., 3 e., quickly through arbor, with basket of flowers, dressed 
in summer costume, crosses to l., turns and sees Joe k., behind tree. 

Vida. Good morning to you, sir! {coming c.) I'm awfully gJad to 
see you. Ain't you the good looking man wlio drove me up from the 
depot a few weeks ago? I'm sure you are, anyone to look at your 
face could never forget j'ou; why didn't you call before. Fshould 
have been very glad to meet you. 
Joe. {coming c.) Would you now? 

Vida. Indeed I should. Say, don"t you think the people up here 
are awfully cross? 
Joe. Some of 'em are. 

Vida. They all are, except the boys and the girls; young people 
ain't got time to be mean. Old follvs make me think of crooked 
trees, the older they grow, the uglier they get. Say, you ain't very 
old, are .you? 
Joe. No. 

Vida. Tlien I'll bet that j'ou're good. T can tell by your looks 
that you are splendid; that is the reason I like you. 
Joe. I'm very much obliged to you. 

Vida. Oh! not at all. I ain't (loing you any favor. I'm simplv 

"speaking what I feel, and the truth is no'disgrace. I don't want yoii 

to think I mean any harm; but I say, don'tVou like me? (Joe looks 

hewildered) Just a little bit? {J OiL turns his head) I guess you don't 

so I better go. ' {starts i..' 

Joe. Oh! don't go away! 

Vida. AVell, I shan't, if you 'want me to sta}'— do you? Speak 
right out, don't be afraid of me. I wouldn't hurt you for all the 
world. Do you want me to remain? 
Joe. Yes. 

Vida. That's right. You needn't be ashamed because vou ain't 
dressed up quite as fine as some around liere. IMay be your hands 
ain't as white, but I'll bet that your heart is, and I'd like to see it 



€ THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Joe. T don't know how to get it from here, Miss, but if I thought 
it would do you any good, I'd cut it out. 

Vida. Don't do that. 

Joe. Why not? 

Vida. 'Cause it would kill you. 

Joe. If I was to die, it would'nt amount to much, there is no one 
that would miss me. 

Vida. Oh: yes there is. Havn't you got a sweetheart? 

Joe. No. 

Vida. Wouldn't you like to have one? 

Joe. I'm in no position. Miss, to think about such happiness. 

Vida. And why not? 

Joe. 'Cause I'm too poor. You see I havn't had the chances some 
have in this world, but I'm going to be content and let time take its 
course. 

Vida. You ma.y wait too long and get left. No, Mister, I don't 
mean that — you say you're poor; well, I like you all the better for 
that. You ought to be very happj'. 

Joe. Why, Miss? 

Vida. If you are poor, no one cares for you, no one bothers you, 
but if you have money everyone envys 3'ou. Oh! I hate wealth, 
when it makes one a slave; let other folks worship gold, but give me 
freedom. Riches are not everything; there are silver links in the 
chain of life, which gold can nevt-r buy. {goes up c. 

Joe. An honest heart should make one contented. 

Vida. It sluuild make you free; free to roam over the broad fields, 
free to pluck the innocent flowers, free to love and cherish them. 1 
guess you think I'm funny, don't you? 

Joe. I think you've got lots of good sense. 

Vida. I'm glad of that, and I'd like to have'you for a friend. 

Joe. I believe your name is Vida? 

Vida. Yes, 

Joe. And you'd like to have me for a friend? 

Vida. I should. 

Joe. {goes vp c.) Well, little girl, if the time ever comes when you 
need one, you'll find .loe Clayton on the spot. {sfarU iqj c. 

Vida. Please don't go. 

Joe. I must little girl, for I've got some work to do. 

Vida. V)o you have to work all the time? 

Joe. Yes, Miss, every day. If you see Mr. Quick, I wish you'd 
please tell him I'll bring his baggage over right away. 

Vida. Why do you have to do tliat? 

Joe. Because I'm the porter down ai the Sea View Hotel where he 
is stopping. Good morning to you, Miss, good morning. 

(e.vif. K. V. K. 

Vida. You the servant and he the guest, the positions should be 
changed. Oh! I'd like to be a man, for I feel like hitting right out, 
or tearing something to pieces. I'll bet it's going to rain, tliere's a 
storm of some kind coming, I can feel it. 

{crosses, sits l., fixing Jioictrs — licel// niiisic 

Enter Bob Quick, l. c. e. 

Quick. All! there goes the faithful porl^r of the Sen VitMv. ono 
who is staunch, true and obedient, one who possesses niusriihii' 



THE LITTLE WIFE. 7 

abilities for trunk lifting, that is positively surprising; the constant 
exercise of that vocation has put him in a physical condition that I 
certainly admire. He knocked two scoundi-els out for calling me a 
dude; he kicked off the left ear of a black and tan, for trying to sit 
on my lap; therefore most humble and loyal porter, 1 takeoff my hat 
to thee. I trust he has gone for my luggage. Porter! I say, Porter! 
Vida. Oh! you needn't call so loud, he'll bring your satchels if 
the handles hold. 

Quick, {comes down c.) Ah! there you are m}^ deliglitful litUe 
sunbeam, there you are. Permit me to remark that a satchel with- 
out a handle woiUd bea most inconvenient package, an article with- 
out which one would be b»^tter otf than with. 

Vida. Do y o u t h i n k so ? 

Quick. To be sure 1 do, it would be more trouble than it's worth-. 

Vida. You can't tell. Choicest goods are often in the smallest 
packages. 

Quick. True! true! I had forgotten that most familiar proverb^ 
and your own sweet self is but a faint reflex of it's truthfulness. 

Vula. Oh! go up on the mountain and get the air. 

Quick. Why do you think that I need air? 

Vida. Because you've lost so much of your breath. 

Quick. It seems so natural for you to jest, Miss Vida; I wish it 
was as easy for you to be serious. 

Vida. It is. 

Quick. Then why not be so now? 

Vida. I am more than that, I am sad. 

Quick. At what? 

Vida. The sight of your face. .' ' ~ 

Quick. Does the anxious look uponjthis massive brow bring pity 
to your heart. 

Vida. It does. It makes me weep. 

Quick. I cannot help it, idol of my dreams! It is because my 
heart is sick. 

Vida. Oh! I thought it was your stomach. 

Quick. Do not be cruel— say but the word and you shall be mine. 

Vida. No, thank you. I'd rather take chances and go it alone. 

Quick. Only think what true love is. I am a manthiat is fresh. 

Vida. I should say. 

Quick. Pardon me, but the construction you would put upon that 
word is not of the kind I speak. I mean that I am fresh in the bl-oom 
of youth. 

Vida. Here, take this flower. 

Quick. With pleasure, bright angel. But why do you give this 
diminutive little flower? 

Vida. It's like yourself. . 

Quick. AV^hy? 

Vula. Because it is withered up. 

Quick: What a crusher! (sings)- *'Tis but a little faded floweh'**' 
Do you mean to say I have lost my color? ■ .:.- ' 

Vida. No, you hav(\' lost your senses. 

Quick. Do not, I pray you, say that. Miss Vida. I trust you will 
not think me too familiar to call you bv that name? 

Vida.. Not at all. I'm not ashanied'of it.- 

Quick. Certainly iiot.no one should be. What a strange little 



8 THE LITTLE WIFE. 

creature vou are. Miss Yida. I wish I were a philosopher? 

Vido. "Why? 

Qnkk. I miglit be able to solve the riddle. 

Vida. What riddle? 

Quick. Yourself. 

Yida. (risinr/) Now see here, Mr. Quick, I want you to stop senti- 
ment. J hate ii. 

Qvick. Do I not express it well? 

Vida. Yes, but there is no depth, {crosses to w.) Oh! but you are 
awfully shallow. 

Qnick. [goes to l., 1 e.) Ye Godsl That I should be called shallow, 
and by a woman, too. 

Vida. {comes c.) I want you to understand that I am not a woman 
yet, but 1 know enough to see that you are all tied up, 

Qnick. Tied up! tied up? {lookiinj around) Where am I tied up 
and what am I tied up with? 

Vida. Conceit. 

Quick. Nay! nay! fond creature! I am tied up with admiration 
for you. 

Vida. Shut up. {slap^ his face 

Quick. Repeat! the other side. {\\\)\ slaps the other side of his face, 
crosses and exits, n. e.) Thanks, 1 am better now-; it has warmed up 
my vinician blood; it has given me new life. 

Enter Joe, c. e., tcith tico satchels, and stands c. 

Joe. Here's part of your luggage, Mr. Quick. 

Quick. Ah! porter! I'm glad you've come, take the articles into 
the house. (Joe starts for house, l. 

Enter Yida, r.. 1 e., sees Joe, Jiides leldnd hench, k. 

Joe. Y'es, sir! {going l.) I wonder if-I shall see her inside? 

{exit in hotel, l. 

Vida. {behind tree, aside) I wish I were in the house. 

Quick. A very healthy looking fellow is that porter, and he is good 
looking too. 

Vida. {aside) Well, I should say he was. 

Quick. If he were dressed in the fashion, he'd be a swell. 

Vida. {aside) Oh! no he wouldn't, He'd be just the same as lie 
is now — a man. 

Quick. Ah! well. I suppose it's the old story. There is many an 
honest heart beneath the ragged jacket. 

Vida. {aside) You're right, ajid Joe Clayton has got one of those 
very hearts. 

Enter Joe, fro7n hotel, l. 

Joe. {goes c.) I took your luggage up to the room, sir. 
Quick, {lighting cigarette) All right, bring over the others soon, 
porter. {crosses to i,. c. 

Joe. Yes sir. {looking around for Vid.v 

Quick. W^ell, what are you looking for? 
Joe. Nothing, sir! 
Quick. Oh! 1 forgot; you want to be tipped. Well, here is a 



THE LITTLE WIFE. 9 

^^^/oe^ keep vour monev. My master pays mo. What was I look- 
ii.n- lot- and w'iio would 1 li'.ce to see? Well, thafs my business, Uv. 

Bo1> Quick. ^ ^ 1 ,, T ^'^-'f '- *'• ••'• 

Quick. {looJci/ifj off R.) Impudeut scoundrel: lynui-aut paup:'r! 

I'd like to break youi- neck. 

Vida. (risi/ifj at back of bench) Well, I would u t try it iL 1 were 

you. 

Quick. Yida! wliy are you here? 

Vida. (coming n. c.) To protect you. 

Quick. Protect me? . 

Vida. Yes, you'll need protection if you ever tou3h him. {i/nnff 
vp c.) I love him. 

Quick. Oh, bosh! 

Vida. (looking off' cat Joe, throws kiss at Jam) God bless him. I 

don't care. I do love him. (^•^'^'^ i-- f • '''• 

Quick. Yida! (turns) Why. she has g-ono. (goes up) I wonder 
what she could mean. Can it be she cares lor him. Nonsense! A 
(jueeu falling in love with a footman. Oh! that's impossible. I'll 
win her yet or I'll loose my necktie. (^•'^tt l. c. li:. 

Enter Col. Matterson, r., 1 e., with boquet, sit.s n. 

Mat. It is certainly a charming morning. There, is no moro. 
beautiful spot than the side of yonder valley, the reflectiun of the 
morning makes all nature smile and the foliage frown, the mountain 
top bids welcome to the heavenly orb. 

Enter Yida, l. c. e., running down to him merrily. 

Vida. Dear papa, I havn't seen you since last night, (kneeling) 
Won't you kiss me? 

(Matterson kisses Yida coldly, and she drops her head 

Mat. What is the matter, child? 

Vida. Nothing. 

Mat. (raising her head) But why do your lips tremble and tears 
start in your eyes? 

Vida. Sometimes I think you don't care lo kiss me any more. 

Mat. Why, Yida? 

Vida. Because your lips are so cold. 

Mat. Pshaw! don't be silly. 

Vida. AYell, I won't. Oh! what a pretty bunch of flowers. Give 
them to me. (takes them and starts r. 

Mat. Where are you going? 

Vida. Up there. (pointing r. 

Mat. Where? 

Vida. On the side of the mountain. 

Mat. What for? 

Vida. Don't you know? 

Mat. I do not. 

Vida. Why, mamma is buried therefyou plucked these flowers. 
I want to place them on her grave. 

Mat. There will be time enough later in the day, 

Vida. Do not refuse me, father, it is for mother's sake. 

Mat. No, no child; not now; there go into the house. 



10 TEE LITTLE WLFE. 

Vidii. "Will ymi lei me lifeep the flowers, that I may take them 
llici'c al t>\ening t ime. 

Mnt. Ko, give them tome, I want tliem. Come, goiiilo tlie house, 
"N'itla. (fakes floicers 

Vnlu. (.sta)i,s fdicanl 1,.) Father, T cnimot forgnt mother; slie so 
good, so Irne. so kind and h>\ing; e\pry night I pray for her; {svery 
night 1 sing her favorite song. Don't you remenil)er it. father? 

{xingx It terse of some soihj, droppniy on /.■/nr-s bij /lerfdther'fi side 

Mat. {Hsxiitg Y IDA) There Vidn, don't Ix' sad child, and with 
sorrowful iliouglits turn the beautiful morning into one of gloom; be 
eluM-rfnl. do. (Jo cliild, go. 

^^/<l(^. [ri^-es, goes to 1,.) Yes father, Til try; what clianges death 
can l)ring. {exit info house 

Mot. ''riiat cliild lias only memories for her mothcj-. The mother 
"Was the samp, wrapped up in herchild. It mii^ht lia\t'l)e('n different 
had she di\ idcd her lo\ e and bestowed more allVriion upon me. Is 
it strange now that I have found one wlu) enters into my joys and 
sorrows, who bestows upon me lier confidence, her affection, that 
she sliould find a place in my heart. 

Eater Madeline, k. c. e. 

Mad. (cona's c.) Good morning, Colonel, and a charming morning 
it is too. Js it not delightful? 

Enter Estelle, /rt>wi house, l. 

ExfeUe. TNfamma, where have you been so long? I have looked 
everywhere for you. It has been so very lonesome. 

Mad. Estelle, do you not see tlie Colonel ".'' 

Kstelle. {crosses to n. c.) I beg your pardon. Colonel. I did not 
notice. 

J\faf. Do not apologize, IMiss Estelle, the thought of the good 
mother made the daiighler blind. Jjook at this bocpiet of roses 
jiicked from the dew sprinkled bush, they are fresh and lovely; will 
you accei)t them ? 

E--<feUe. ( n-os.^es to bench, i\.) Willi pleasure; 1 hey are beautiful. 

Mad. You are looking happier this morning, Colonel, than I have 
ever seen you. 

M(tf. ])o you think so? 

3f((d. Perhaps it is the invigorating air of early morning that 
makes you wear that smile. 

Mat. Or rather the sight of your pleasant face. 

Mad. Thank you. {hoiring 

Mat. jNlight 1 be i)ermitted the pleasure of your company alone 
for a few moments. 1 have something to say to you. 

Mad. Certainl.y. (^t* Estelle) Estelle, please come to my room 
in half ah hour. 

Ksft'Re. Yes, mamma. 

Mad. My dear Colonel, I am at your service. 

Exit Col. and IMadeltne in hotels.., hvsines^ <?f Madeline looking hack 

at ESTELLK. 

E'<felle. Fortunate mamma, you never loose. Miss Yida, soon 
you'll not be so proud. My time is coming. But I must be silent. 



THE LITTLE WIFE. ti 

{harhing of dogs outdde — confusion 

Enter Bob Quick, l. c. e., necktie gone. 

Quick. I have searched every nook from the foot of the woods to 
the shore of the lake. She must liave flown like a bird. I thous^ht 
I saw her once, tlie sio-ht of her dress flyino- around a rock, when [ 
reached the place it was a white calf. I am not certain of my prize 
yet, I thought i had her in my g-rasp, but no, she is not there. Is 
it possible I have lost the power to charm; 1 tliiiik not. Well, if 
she is not iov me, I will find another, {sees I^^^'ufaam) Ha, ha. h<i,: 
my second choice. I'll negotiate the charming flower that blooms 
with the morning sun. Good morntng, Miss Estelle, I trust you arc 
glad to see me^ I beg your pardon, I mean I am delighted to see 
you. 

Estelle. I am so sorry. 

Quick. Sorry that a man of my station in life should approach you 
witli the tenderness of a dove? 

Estelle. You had better say chicken. 

Quick. Very well. I'll accept the barn-yard fowl, even if it be a 
pet rooster. 

Estelle. It couldn't be that, for pets usually Avear ribbons around 
their throats. 

Quick. What do you mean? 

Estelle. You have lost your necktie. 

Quick, {aside) By all that's horrible, the tie's gone. A sad omen; 
if I have lost my tie, I must have lost her. No mai-ter, this fair 
damsel shall take her place; if I can get no further, I must be en- 
gaged, {aloud) Queen of the summer hotel, will you listen to me. 

Estelle. As I have no one else to listen to, I'll try. 

Quick. For such encouragement I give thanks. My heart doth 
bleed. 

Estelle. I thought something had happened. 

Quick. Why? 

Estelle. Because you look so silly. 

Quick. Ah! but remember it is not the roundest head that carries 
the brightest brain. 

Estelle. If it were, you stand a poor chance. 

Quick. How so? 

Estelle. Y^our face looks like a map of tlie western hemisphere. 

Quick. Then I am content; remember the motto, "young man go 
■west!" 

Estelle. I wish you would go somewhere and leave me alone. 

Quick. Do not say that, fair Estelle. My father was born on 
Brooklyn Heights, and oft upon that plain he fed his flocks. Listen, 
Miss Estelle, I would place you in such a position that people would 
kneel 

Enter YiDA,froni Iiouse r>., unseen, listening, 

and lay flowers at your feet. But listen, the beautiful rose that I 
would bring, would knock all others out. 

Estelle. Where would you get ir? 

Quirk. No matter where I get it. say that you will listen to the 
pleadings of a bursting youth, I m.-an li('art;*say that I may hope, 



IS THE LITTLE WIFE. 

for you are Uie only woman I ever loved. (Vjda coming doicn l.) 
feep/on my knees, Miss Estelle, {Icneeling) I swear that I am — 

Vula. Telling- a lie. 

Quick, {ridiui) Oh, thunder! Busted at last! busted at last! 
AY hat a fix. " {exitv,., 1 e. 

Vidd. (nw.w* i'ry Estelle) So Miss Coquette, you can i)lay the 
sc:iiu]i as well as anyone. 

Exielle. A^'hat do you mean? 

Vida. 1 mean you are a treacherous little hypocrite. 

Ksidle. A'ida Matterson! 

Yida. Oh! 1 am not afraid of you, sugar would melt in your 
niuulh as well as anyone's. Where did you get those flowers? 

{hurry cretsendo to forte at dj-op of cmiaiii 

Enter Col. and Madeline. /rc?^^ Iioitse l. 

Give tliem to me, you shan't have them. 

{snatches jloiccrs from Estelle, Col. takci them front Vida 

Mat. Yida! 

]'ida. ^()ll deny the flowers to me and yet yougivt' Ihem U)iu>r. 

Mitt. 1 deny you nothino- tluit is intended for you. These flowers 
wi'i-e picked for Miss Estelle, and she shall have them. 

{.starts to hand them to Estelle, A'ida .s7'/;.v'.* (hcin. 

Vida. And IsaVj^i^he shall not. 1 must be first choii'e, in yonr 
heart, or nt>ne. {throics them on stage and tramps on them 

Mat. Disobedient child. Listen to me, let me present you to the 
lady who is to be my wife and your future mother. 

Enter, Joe, l., 3 e. 

Vida. {starting hack) Your wife! But my mother is there. 

{2'>ointing up 

PIGTURE—GUBTAm, 



ACT II. 



/SfTfi'iVE'.— Matteeso:n's parlor, St. George hotel—c. d., fancy vith 
drajiery curtains; doors ]{. andi.., 3 e., with handsome office chair; 
s(fa «., 2 E., handsome jyeii'lor furniture to match; footstool near s(fa, 
carpet rugs and hric-a-hrac to make scene beautiful interior; balamy 
outside c. D., with urns of flowers and garden backing — elapse (f tn-o 
weeks betu:een Act 1st. and Act ^2nd.—CoLo:sK\. Matteuson (^/.n- 
corered reading 2^('2)e}', dressed in smoking jacket and cap. 

M<(t. {reads aloud) Another scandal — elopement in hi.uh lifr a 
father's cruelty— a wealthy widower deserts his family and leaves to 
parts unknown, with a dashingyoung- society belle." Confound the 
freedom of the i:)ress; it's columns are filled witli secret att'a.irs of in- 
dividuals. What business luis Mr. .lones to inlerfeni with Mr. 
Smith's personal matters. Bosh! such articles furnish food only 
for seandalmongers. I could tear the paper into bits, but no, break- 
fast is of more importance than 4,he private episode of a father's 
cruelty. 



THE LITTLE WfFE. tS 

Enter Madeline, r. c. e. 

3Lfd. Any slavtling news, Colonel? 

Mat. (risHiig) Alil good movninff Madaline. Xo, thiM'e is no nows 
at all. the pappi- is dry as a chip. Have you breakfasted yet".' 

Mad. No, I am waiting. 

Mat. For me? 

Mad. Well, yes; Estelle has already been, and I dislikt^ going alo!i<^ 

Mat. Neither shall yon, Avith yonr permission [ Avill go with yon. 

Mad. 1 conld not wish for a more genial companion, and in snch 
a case I shall not go alone. {exeunt arm in arm, IniujkiiKj, l. c. k. 

Enter Vida, r. c. e., loolanrj after them.. 

Vlda. I went to bed so happy last night, for father lold me tliat 
he loved me; my heart was so light, I Avent right to sleep, and when 
1 awoke with the morningsun, I seemed to have new life, for 1 si)rang 
from my bed, and in a few short moments, I was on the back of my 
favorite horse. Jack! Hoav he did fly over the hills! He seemed lo 
know that I was happy, and the only Avay he could tell me so, was 
by the quick rattle of his lively feet. The fresh air from the mount- 
ains seemed to liven every dead spark that was buried in my heart, 

Enter Esteelle, r. c. e., listening. 

and now all hope is gone. I shall be thrown upon the world alone, 
for that woman will ruin my father and kill me. 

{falls OR soft R., cri/inc/ 

Edelle. {aside) She shall do nothing of the kind, if I can prevent 
il. If my mother would teach me to do wrong, I'll teach myself to 
<io right. Poor Vida! her heart is breaking, everything that is here 
belongs to lier, and she shall have it all. {going to Vida, aloud) \'ida 
dear, won't you look at me? I Avant to be your friend; I pity you; 
won't you speak to me? 

Vida. Xo, I Avou't! leave me. 

Estelle. Don't say that. I understand all and I want you (o trust 
me. 

Vida. I cannot do it. I cannot trust anyone. 

Estelle. {rises, crosses to i.. , sits) I suppose you are right, but it is 
pretty hard when one Avants to do right, they can find no one to help 
them. 

Vida. How can I think you loyal, Avhen all are trying to crusl; 
m?'? If I cannot trust my father, hoAV can I believe in you? My 
heart is breaking. {iceep.s 

Estelle. Oh dear! this is cruel. {drops head on desk and iceeps 

Enter Quick, r. c. e., looJcing at the ttco girls—fanny business. 

Vida. I don't want you to cry, Estelle. {iceeps 

Estelle. And I don't want you to cry. {weeps 

Quick. For heaven's sake,' why don't you both stop. {weeps 

All three cry about three good yells, Quick the loudest and most prolonged 
— Vida and Estelle lise simultaneously. 

Vf'if \ What's the matter with you? 
Estelle. ) . 



U THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Quiel: "What's the matter! When a fellow has a leak on both 
sides of him, he is pretty sure to sink. Oh Lord! I am going under 
ut-jiiii. 

MMlo. \ Oh! shut up. 

Quick. Well, I will, for this is all damn nonsense. 

KsU'lh). You needn't be profane, Mr. Quick. 

Qmrk. 1 beg your pardon. Miss Estelle, and I beg 5'our pardon, 
Miss Yida, for 1 like yon both. I may say I love you both, but I 
don't expect to get more than one of you, and I daresay that will be 
enongh, 

\ ic((. You are presumptions. 

Quick. No, 1 am not, Miss Yida. I am quick by name and quick 
by nature, everything that is on my tongue slides off like shot out of 
a shovel. 

Estelle. Don't try to talk so fast. 

Quick. 1 can't help it; these times when I ought to have four 
tongues to express all the thoughts that are revolving in my gigantic 
brain. I'm with you girls, hands and feet. I'm on to the little 
scheme. 

Vi<h(. What scheme? 

Quick. Why, an infernal scheme to try and break your youns* 
liearts, but it can't be done. I'll knock the wheels out of geer and 
bust up the whole machine. 

Estelle. Speak (piick; tell us what you mean? 

Quick. Hang it. I am speaking quick. I'm all tied up in a double 
twisted knot, but I'll pull her out if I bust the string. Tlicre is one 
good ]o()l<ing middle-aged schemer and a cross looking old aged 
scamp that liave plnnntMl to make you two suffer; it shan't be done 
whilf llitM'f is a drug store in the land. 

\'i(l<i. What do vou mean? 

Quick. Poison! I'll annihilate the whole house. 

(EsTET.i.E and Yil>a hotJt rmlt into Quick's arms 

Estelle. Oh, Mr. Quick! 

Vida. You don't mean murder? 

Quick. Well, I don't know. I am a lion when I get started, but 
under present circumstances, I feel like a lamb. Oh girls, 1 am a 
weak creature. {puts both arms around them 

vVih (■ ^^^' ^^^'^ ^^ awful. {hath girls iceep on 7iis shoulder 

Quick. ( jI i rls ! {pushing them aicay) Stop th is cry i ng; let us change 
the prograinme and start a laughing exhibition at half price; now 
then listen to me. I want you two to be good friends, for Estelle is 
good and Yida is^ood, and Yida is good and Estelle is good, in fact 
you are a, l)nn(lle'of.:'gf^)(l little goodies, ;ind I wish I owned you both. 
Now don't let aii\ oi us yoiiny and blushing beauties make ourselves 
miserable ox^-v two old tool's tolly. All we can do is to have the 
brake ready when the wheels start down the hill. Now will you two 
shake hands and swear eternal friendship? 

(Yida and Estei,lic shake hand6 

];f'. \ We will. 
fj-stellc. \ 

Ouiek. Thanks. Shall 1 seal the bond with a kiss? 
Estelle 1" ^^""'"^ ''• ""'^ ^-^ Excuse us. 



THE LITTLE WIPE. 15 

Quick. Then let's seal it with a, son.ir. 

{if desired, (<o)ig can be introduced, if not, omit Qu rciv's l(><f s^peech 

Estellc. Now Vida, promise me that you will no lonsitM- niisli-usfc 
me? 

Vida. Yes dear, and I am so happy that I can feel as I do. 

EKtelle. I will tell yon more later on, and I know that you will love 
me yet. 

Quick. But how about me? Do [ get left in the race? 

Vida. No, Mr. Quicic, yon shall be one of us. 

Qvick. Then you Avill love me too? 

Vida. Oh no! but I sliall like you. 

Qvick. Thanks. IImU" a loaf is belter than none. 

Vida. Besides, Mr. Quick, if 1 mistake not, there is someone else 
that has got an eye on you. Ah, lia! I think I'll get the whole loaf. 

Extelle. Now Vida, you have said enough. ('om.>, Mr. Quick, let 
us go into the garden. [exit QricK and Estkj.i.e, u. e. e. 

Vida. Yes, [ will trust them and perhaps all will come ont right 
after all. {looking i.., 8 e.) Here comes that cotilemplibU' old Gor- 
man. He has got back here again. I was in hopi'S he had left for 
good. Whj'', he is coming into this room. Oh! I forgot lie is father's 
friend. Business I suppose. {Y ida hides behind curtain, l. c. 

Enter Gorman, r-., ?> i:. 

Gor. She is at break fest wirh him and the room is empty. T hnve 
returned in good season, and 1 will devote a few spare moments to 
business, {sits at desk) 1 have done good work and now i must have 
some money. { proceeds to write 

Vida. {aside) I wonder what he is writing. Oh! if L could only 
see. What shall I do, {looks cautiously around, discocer.s xhee.t of Idit-r 
pcipefr and enoelope on table r. , picks it up. folds paper, puts it in envelope, 
seals it and icaits until Gorman has finished his and settled it; slips down 
to L., puts her hand over Gorman's eyes a second, puts her oicn letter on 
desk, picks up his and laughs, hides his in her bosom) Ah! Mr. Gorman, 
I gave you a good fright, didn't I? 

Gor. {jumping up, talus letter, scitisfied) I should sa}' you did. 
(aside) Little devil. (Vida crosses to u., sits on sofa, 

Vida. When did you get back? 

Goi'. On the morning train. (addresses envelope, starts up 

Vida. Had you a pleasant trip? 

Go7'. Y'es, very. (going to i.., 3 e. 

Vida. Where are you going? 

Gor. To breakfast; but don't you ask so many questions. 

{exit L. , 3 E. 
■ Vida. Well, I won't, for I have got an answer here. That old 
eross-patch \vould murder me, if he dared. I wonder what is in this? 
(looking off c.) There goes Joe Clayton, I'll ask him what to do. 
(calls) Joe! Joe! Come here a moment. 

Joe appears at c. e., dressed up. 

Joe. Did you want to see me. Miss Vida? 

Vida. Certainly I did, or I shouldn't have called you. Wliy j^ou 
are all dressed up — say you look awfully handsome. Come right in. 

Joe. Oh no! I guess I had better not. You see, 1 came up here ou 
business and I must go right back; besides your father wouldn't like 



16 THE LITTLE WIFE, 

me to come into this room. 

Vi(fa. T don't care about that, besides he won't be through break- 
fast for a long time yet, 

Joe. iJiit 1 never go Avliere I am not wanted. 

Vi'da. But j-oii are wanted. 1 want you. 

Joe. Bnt your father don't. 

Vidn. Well, which do you lilce best, my father or me? 

Joe. AVhy, you of course, (coming dote n c, bashfully) Hike you 
better th:)n anyone in the world. Excuse me Miss. 

Vida. No apology is necessary. I'm in the same fix. 

Joe. I'm mighty glad to hear that, and when you say it, I know 

it's true; but it don't seem as there was so much good in the w^orld 
for me. I'm only a rough sore of chap that has been kicked here 
and there and everywhere you see. 

Vida. Joe, do you know I jiavn't seen you for three whole days. 

Joe. I havn't had much time to myself. I've been settling up 
business afl'airs 

Vida. Ihisiness afl'airs? 

Joe. I have worked my time out down at the Sea View, and am 
glad that 1 came up here to-day, for I did want to see you just once 
more, it may be for the last time, for 1 am going away. 

Vida. Going away, Joe, are you going away / 

Joe. Yes. 

Vida. AVl'.ere, Joe? 

Joe. Up to my home. 

Vida. Sit down, won't you? (Joe sits on sofa, e., Vida sits on otto- 
man next Jam) Joe, tell me, where is your home? 

Joe. It's a little farm that lies up yonder on the mountain; it was 
left to me by my grandmother, and when she died, I had to put a 
small mortgage on to raise a little money to pay otf some debts. The 
mortgage was in the hands of liie landlord of the Sea View, so I 
came down here* this summer lo work it olf, and I've done so, and 
now I don't owe a cent. 

Vid((. AY ho lives at your home, Joe? 

Joe. A neighbor, but lie is going away. 

Vida. Ami will you have no company? 

Joe. None but a" few cows and sheep. Oh yes. there's one, I had 
forgotten, a staunch old friend who will never desert me. 

Vida. AY ho, Joe? 

Joe. My faithful dog Beaver. Hark! l can almost hear him now, 
barking at the sound of my footsteps. AYait old dogie, I'll soon be 
with you. 

Vida. Aside from these you will be alone? 

Joe. Since grandmother died I have been alone, but I shall be 
more lonely now since I have seen a face. 

Vida. A face! 

Joe. A face that is stamped upon my mind, the memory of which 
will be with me in my dreams and in my waking hours, shall be 
burning there until death. 

Vida. AViiose face, Joe? 

Joe. Don't ask me that. If I tell you, I must speak the truth, 
and it is for your sake that 1 do not answer. 

Vida But 1 want you to. 

Joe. Nol nol no! A^ida, you know I'm only poor Joe Clayton, and 
my name — well, listen a moment. My mother died when I was so 



THE LITTLE WIFE. J t7 

young that I cau't remember her; my father, tlirough speculation, 
iDecame very ricli, but was continually robbed by a villain, who led 
him into the society of a woman with whom he suddenly left for 
California. For five years he supported me at the home of my 
grandmother, then news from him ceased, and we have never heard 
from him since, except through others; by that means we learned 
that he had left for Australia, then we heard that he was dead. 
But the house where I was born is in my name. It's all I have got, 
and I am going to keep it; it's there Avhere I am going to stay. 

Vida. Joe, you are not to blame for the sins i)f your father, no 
more than I — read this. 

Joe. What is it? 

Vida. A letter that means mischief concerning me, and written 
but a few moments ago here in this room. 1 was smart enough to 
get hold of it, and what I wanted to know of you was, if it would be 
wrong to open it? 

Joe. Who wrote it? 
VMa. A man who hates me, Councellor Gorman. 

Joe. That man! 1 knew it! I knew it! Vida, that man is bad 
clear through; and you think this.letter relates to some plot against 
you and your father. 

Vida. I know it does. 

Joe. Then open it comes. 

Vida. Could they arrest you? 

Joe. There is no stamp on it, we are not robbing the mail; only 
gaining one more point against a trickster, {opens lette)\ read^ aloud) 
"Dear Madeline," that's rather an affectionate start off — dear 
Madeline, "have just returned from New York, have worked night 
and day for your sake; feel that you will be happy to leani that I 
have positive i)rool"s that your late husband w^as lost at sea on the 
fated steamer Colony, that sailed from Australia to San Francisco, 
.!u!y 10th, 1879. Your road is clear. I see you are breakfasting with 
him: play every point, we shall win. 1 am short of money, advance 
me $3,000 at once. You can get it, you know you can. ' Don't dis- 
appoint me and you will find me faithful; a good sum must be made 
over to you at once. Yours, Councellor G." Outrageous— here Yida, 
lake this and i<eep it safe. 

Vida. You keep it for me, Joe. 

Joe. Yes I Avill. I am glad that I came here. You need a friend, 
and if I am rough in appearance, they will find me still more rough 
in nature. Here is an arm made tough by hardy toil that shall for- 
ever be ready in your defence. {vising 

Vkla. J6e, my friend, my protector! 

Joe. Yes your protector when dangers hover near. 

Vida. Will it not be the same when danger is past? 

Joe. Yida. my good girl, don't wind yourself so closely around my 
heart, your life lies in a different path from mine, but if I can be of 
aid to place you where you belong, I shall be happy. Yida, there 
are tears in your eyes, are they for me? 

Vida. Yes. 

Joe. {beside \iDx) Do you love me? 

Vida. I do. 

Joe. And would you be willing to share your fat'.- with the humble 
farmer lad? 

Vida. I ^^'ould. 



18 THE LITTLE WIFE, 

Joe. And you will be. my wife? 
j Yida. Yes, I will. 1 will go with you to the end of the earth. 
' {ihey embrace 

Joe. Then nothing can come between you and me. Those words 
have given me untold strength, let them come in numbers, 1 care 
not how great, I w\\\ fight them off. So they would rob you of your 
birthright. Well, let them try. 

Ent&r Quick and Estelle, r. c. e. 

I stand here as solid as yonder mountain, in the name of justice and 
the girl 1 love. 

Quick, {coming doicn-L. with YuBIIFAaA) Good boy! What are you 
doing, rehearsing a comedy? 

Joe. No. a tragedy. 

Quick. Is there blood in it? 

Joe. More, there is death if they try to injure Vida. 

Estelle. Murder! Oh Bob! catch me, I am going to faint! 

{falh in Quick's arms 

Quick. Faint! No, you haven't got time to faint. 

Enter 1^3131^ John, l. c. e.. sateheU, etc. 

John. Ugh! Wah! Wah! (all start 

Quick. What the devil is that? See here, we want no intruder, 
so vamoose. 

John. Do you speak for the house? 

Quick. Not exactly. 1 am speaking for myself. 

Joltn. Jn that case I'll wait for a two thirds vote. What do you 
say young people? Shall I introduce myself? 

Vida. Go on, sir, we will listen to you, but be brief, for these 
apartments are private. 

John, f beg your pardon, I thought this a public house. I saw the 
doors were open, so I entered. If you will listen to me a moment. I 
will tell you that I am known by the wild tribes of the west as 
''piercing ej'e;" the}' believe I can see into the future; they believe I 
am endowed with a magic skill to cure the ills of mortals; among 
others of the race I am called the medicine man from the rising sun, 
but here among the hills of civilization, I bear the simple title of 
Injun John, the doctor. 

Vida. You say you read the future? 

John. So says the great spirit. 

Edelle. Oh! good sir! tell my future? 

Quick. Don't be a fool. 

John. Young man, perhaps you are the fool, not she. 

Quick. Well, I like that. See here you old ruffian, I'd like to — 

Joe. Stay, Mr. Quick, raise not your hand against him, he is 
harmless, and old enough to be your father. 

John. (/^ Joe) But t am not his father and I don't w^ant to be. 
Give me your hand young man, shake, tiiat's right, it tills mine well. 
(whs fxdiii cf hand) ITs iMugh and tough, but it's honest, there is 
more strenatli in that simple grasp then in all of yonder carcass. 

Quick. This is loo much, pride compels me to speak. My good 
sir. you may be an astrologer of the barbaric school, but your remarks 
are <iltogether too pointed. They wound my dignity.^ Remember 
sir, my parents were. born in Brooklyn. 



THE LITTLE WIFE. 19 

John. Ah I Brooklyn, the cit\^ of chui'ches. 

Quick. Yes, next door to heaven. 

John. If they were born in heaven, you would not be their child. 

Quick. Estelle, stand by me, I am boiling over. 

JoJui. But you won't; you'll simmer down. I will say no more, 
for there is much good in you, it only wants to be brought to the 
surface. The fault lies not with you, but with the instructor; you 
have been raised upon a velvet cushion and fed with a silver spoon; 
for a time you should be put upon a diet of water, drawn from the 
spring of experience. 

Quick. Thanks, 1 prefer a full stomach. 

John. Pardon me, bat Mi e young lady h}' your side is charming. 

Quick. Do you think so".' 

John. I do. 

Quick. You will pardon me, but this young lady is not fond of 
admiration. 

John. Then she is not a Avoman. 

Entelle. But 1 am though. 

John. Of course, you are a young and delightful woman, but you 
have been a tender plant that has been o'ergrown with a mess of 
ugly weeds, but you have been getting stronger, the tangled stems 
are broken away and the plant has grown, tlie liower has bloomed. 

Quick. Yes, and everytime I attempt to pluck that flower, I am 
pricked by a thorn. 

John. Break away the thorn one by one, and soon the stem will bo 
smooth and your task an easy one. 

Quick. She won't let me. 

John. ■ Oh! I see, a lover's quarrel — 'tislike a summer shower that 
comes to cool the heated day. There is happiness in store for you 
two men. (^o Quick) You are the elder, (/^o Joe) in years he o'er- 
tops you, but in the abundance of time-worn sorrow that eats into 
the heart of man, you are old enough to be his grandfather. Young 
man, I can read your life clear through, but they will call me insane 
if I say too much, but I read in your face such a wealth of ex- 
perience i dare not turn the pages. I'll read no more. But for her 
I'll say a word before I go. Young sir, there stands by your side 
such purity and innocence as only God can send to man; your eyes 
speak the love you bear for each other; they will try to come between 
you, but stop them before they start, {to Vida) You lady, lay youp 
head upon his breast in confidence, feel that you are protected with, 
the arms of love, stand for each other, stand together until death, 

{exit R. c. E. 

Vida. What a singular person. Who can he be? 

Joe. An Indian doctor, Yida. He is certainly wise. 

Quick. Yes, and very griz/ley; two to one he is on the war path; 
look out for a massacre. 

Estelle. Oh Bob! you are an idiot. He told the truth and it makes 
you sick. 

Quick. I was never better in my life. I'd like to tackle a bushel 
of fuUbloods now. He's a cross between a shaunee and a kangaroo. 

Joe. Mr. Quick, you are agitated. Come out into the cool breeze. 

Estelle. (crosi^esto Vidak.) Vida, don't let them go, there is danger 
if Mr. Quick should ever meet that Indian. 

Villa. Tl^ere would be no more Quick and you would be a widow. 



so THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Edellc. Yida! 

YicJa. In the prospective, I mean, my dear. 

Joe. l^.adies, excuse us for a moment, I want to quiet this hero of 
an Indian war. 

i^uicl-. Excuse me, there has been no war yet, but there will be, 
I'll have liis scalp or — 

Joe. He'll ha\e yours. 

{exit Joe and Bob, e. c. e., Yida dU on sofa, r, 

Edelle. What is the matter, Yida? 

Vkla. 1 hardly know, that man said so many wonderful things. 
Though his thouglits were wild and scattered, they have left such an 
impression that 1 am ama/ed. I wisli he would come back. 

FMelle. ])on't say that, for heaven's sakel 

Yida. AVhat is in the future, Estelle, why do tlie old try to make 
the young- so unhappy ? I'll heed his teachings, if they cross me 
aga'.n, I'll speak my mind. 

Mat. {heard speaking outside) All right Gorman, step this way. 

Estelle. Yida. your father is coming. Come dear, let us go. 

Yida. Yes, 1 will follow your advice, {aside) If all others prove 
false, eToe is true. 

Estelle. {up c.) They are liere. (Yida crosses up c, looks off 

Yida. lie is with Gorman. Father has been drinking. 

{exeunt k., 3 E. 

Enter Mattep.son and Gorman, l. c. e., Matteusoix flushed with %cine. 

Mat. Another glass of wine, Gorman, give me another glass. 

Gov.' I believe I've had enough, and you know Colonel, you sel- 
dom drink so early. 

Mat. Never too earl}', never too early to celebrate success. Ring 
the bell. (Gorman rinys hell on table 

Enter Bubbles, l., 3 e. 

Gor. A bottle of wine and two glasses. 

Bubbles. Yes sah. 

Gor. Be quick, two glasses. {exit Bubbles, l., 3 e. 

Mat. Did you order? 

Gor. Yes. 

Mat. That's right. Wine revives old age. It gives new life. 

Enter Yida, r., 3 e., listening. 

Give me wine and pleasure; wine and Madeline; all else I cast into 

the shade, I live for Madeline alone, she owns my purse, she owns 
my soul. 

\exit Yida. r.. 3 e.. Gorman leads Matterson to chair r. of table l. 

Gor. {half aside) She has done her work well. Where is there 
another Madeline? (sits j.. of table 

Mat. Did you speak her name? How dare you? She is mine, no 

other must call her Madeline. If all the world were mine, shtf 
should have it. 



% 



,.,, THE LITTLE WIFE, - Zi 

Enter Bubbles, l., 3 e., witJi wine and three glasses, puts on table, exits 

L., 3 E. 

Gov. {pours out a glass) Here is your glass Colonel. So you think 
I have done well on my last trip? 

Mat. Excellent, not a bar between us, the husband is dead. 

Gor. But your daughter? 

Mat. Pshaw! I'll treat her right. I'll not desert her; oh nol I'll 
not desert her, I'll leave her enough. She can't expect the world. 

Gor. But she expects all. ■ 

Mat. Does she? Well, she'll get what herjfather chooses to give, 
no more. ^ 

^ Enter Madetjne, l., 3 e., Ustening at lack c. 

Gor. She objects to your marriage. 

Mat. Don't fret me with a child's prattle. I tell you I don't mean 
to injure Vida. but she must not dictate to me. if she does, she'll not 
fare so well. Another glass. Where is Madaline? 

Mad. {coming doion) Here I am, Colonel. i 

Mat. Just in time, accept a glass. (Madeline falces glass 

Mad. Oertainl.y. i 

Mat. {rising) Gorman, (Gorman rises) allow me to present you to 
my future Avife. Madeline, 

Gor. 1 congratulate you Madam Adair, and Colonel, here is to 
you and yours; may your future be bright and prosperous. 

{all drink 

M((t. {takes ic ill out of pocket) Here Madeline; is a transfer of real 
estate and securities to the extent of $500,000 made out in your nami;. 
My wedding gift. {hands to Madeline, she reads it 

Mad. Colonel, how can I ever repay this kindness? 

Mat. You have more than done that, you have given me yourself. 

Mad, I fear you have done too much. 

Mat. iNo, not enough. I have plenty left, and if you like, you 
shall have more. 

Mad. I could only ask one little favor? 

Mat. What is it? 

Mad. I owe Councellor Gorman $2,000. If you would give him a 
check for that amount. 

Gor. Pardon me, madam, but it is $3500, $1500 for the last trans- 
action. 

Mad. Oh, I had forgotten it was $3500. 

Mat. Certainly, {goes to desk, writes check) I have written the 
check and signed the transfer. Gorman, will you witness the same? 

Gor. (goes to desk and signs) There it is, Colonel, all correct. 

Mat. Soon it shall be yours, my dear. 

Enter Quick, k. c. e. 

Gor. We need another witness. Oh! there is Mr. Quick, he shall 
si oil. Mr. Quick! 
Quirk. Well, sir? 
Gor. 'Will you oblige us by witnessing a legal document here? 

(Quick comes down l., looks at icdl 



n THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Enter Estellk b. c, e. and Vida enters r, e. 

QuicTc. {t?irows doicn pen) I refuse to sign that contemptible paper. 

(crosses to Estell, Vida coining c. 

Gov. No matter,'we will get someone else. There Colonel is the 
transfer and check. 

Mat. They are all correct? Now my dear Madeline, I present 
you with $500,000 transfer, and a check in favor of Mr. Gorman for 
$3500. They are all yours. Accept them from one — 

Vida. (c. snatches paper) Who is robbing his own child. 

Enter Joe, c. e. 
PICTURE-CUBTAIN. 



ACTJII. ''^^-' 

SCENE. — Plain room, boxed doors r, and l. e., and door in flat i,.; 
windoic R. with curtains; dish cubboard with dishes enougJi to set table 
fairly for four; tablecloth, loaf of bread, cakes, cold meat, etc. ; kitcJieii 
table c. , pan with dough in it, pan with flour, moulding board; roller, 
etc., biscuit cutter, dripping pan, all on table; tin dinner horn; rock- 
ing chair near icindoio l,. ; flower plants in icindow; old bureau a. with 
looking-glass, comb and brush, towel, toilet articles, puff-ball and 
potcder ; five kitchen chairs; the scene to be honielike—cvrtain rises to 
lively mu.nc; io¥. heard outside n. whistling, advances, 2mtting head 
through windoic. 

.Joe. Vida! Yidal This is my cage, but the bird has flown. Vida! 
Where is she? {di/^appears 

Enter JoE, L. E., with basket of bundles. 

I say Vida, my little bird, where are you? She is not here, that's 
certain, (goes' to n., looks in door r.) She's not in that room, (looks 
in L., 3 E.) Where can she be? 

Enter Vida. li., 3 e., dressed neatly with biq apron, on, sleeves rolled up, 
four on her nose and face, coffee pot under one arm, plate of biscuit in 
the other, hair doicn. 

Vida. Here I am. Joe. 

Joe. Why, what's the matter with you little girl? 

Vida. I don't know, I'm all mixed. 

Joe. How mixed? 

Vida. I've been trying to get supper for you? 

Joe. (aside) Poor little chick, she's got it all over her face, (aloud) 
Why Vida, I don't wantyou to get supper for me, that ain't for your 
hands to do. 

Vida. I wish vou'd take the coffee, Joe, its awful heavy. (,1ok 
takes coffeepot) And so are the biscuits. (Joe t<tkets biscuits and drop.f 
some of them on the floor; they fall like lead) They are heavy, too. , 

Joe. (looks amazed) They are kind of heavy, that's a fact. I guess 
yo'.i didn't put in shortening enough. 

Vida. What's shortening, Joe? 



THE LITTLE WIFE. tS 

Joe. It's something' you have to get from the celhir. But I don'b 
want you to know anytliing about working, so I shan't tell you. 

Vida. All I put in the pan was Hour and water, and somethng 
from that bottle. 

Joe. What bottle? 

Vida. igeU bottle) Why this. 

Joe. {laughs) Spauldings glue. Well Yida, I 'don*t think we'll eat 
the biscuits to-dav. 

Vida. Why not? 

Joe. 'Cause they'll keep all summer, and they'll benso handy in 
the winter. 

Vida. AVhat for? 

Joe. Clinching up (he old chimney. 

Vida. Now you're making fun of me. (weep/t 

Joe. {arm around Ytda) Indeed I am not. There, there, littlo 
girl, I'll have a woman here to-morrow that can do as much cooking 
as we all can eat; old Martliy, who was with us over eight years, and 
a dearer old soid never turned a slap-jack. I have ordered yew 
carpets for the house, new furniture, and what do you think? I've 
sent to Boston for a piano. We'll make these old mountains ring 
when we start our singing school. 

Vida. Oh! but you're awfully good, havn't you got time to kis3 
me? 

Joe. Yes, flour and all, {kisses her 

Vida. Why, tliere is a great big blot on your face. I 

Joe. And I got it off your nose. Just go and look in the glass. ' 

Vida crosses to Mireau r,, looking in glass, JoKfolloios up, leans elbow on 
bureau and laughs, 

Vida. I do look funny, don't I? ' 

Joe. You look like a queen, {musses up her hair 

Vida. Queen of the scarecrows. OhI don't Joe, you'll get me into 
such a snarl' I'll never get straight. 

Joe. Give me that apron. {takes off coat 

Vida. What for? 

Joe. I'll get the supper Lo-night. Marthy will be here to-morrow. 

Vida. You a cook? 

Joe. Y"es, I'll make some biscuits. {putting on apron 

Vida. You make biscuits? 

Joe. Of course, 

Vida. I guess the chimney will get fixed. Joe, be sure and get 
them hard or they won't keep. - u . 

Joe. {going to basket) All right, open the bureau drawer, Yida, 

( YiD A opens drainer in: b ureau 

Vida. What have you got? '*• • 

Joe. They are all presents for you. To-night you shallopen the 
bundles and see if they aren't beautiful, {putting parcels in drawer ' 

Vida. I want to see them now. .. " ' I 

{grasps bundle out of basket, crosses to Li'ci j 

Joe. No, no, Yida. not till after sui:)per. - 

Vida. {unties bundle and a hoop .springs out) Oh Lord! what's that? 

{lets it drop 

Joe. {picks it up) A h'wd cAge. {looks puzzled) You got the one 
package that is not for you. 



H ■^~'-'^^^-. THE LITTLE WIFE, 

Vida. Who is it for? 

Joe. Marth}'. She said she Avould come to us if I would buy some- 
thing for her. There is an old saying and a true one, it a newly 
married couple expect to have good luck come to the house, the 
groom must make the cook a present. Don't you think I have made 
a good selection? (bitsiness) Vida, won't you tie this apron? 

Vida. Do you mean to say, Joe, that n'ou are really going to get 
supper? 

Joe. Certainly. 

Vida. Oh dear! ifwivy hiisincss tyinfj apron 

Joe. What's the matter, are you sick? 

Vida. No, but I will be after I have had supper. 

Joe. Then you shall wait for Marthy's breakfast, but I shall eat. 

Vida. I don't Avant to see you die? 

Joe. OhI I am used to it, it won't hurt me. {goes to table, takes out 
dough, commences to kneed it) I must make haste, we might have 
company, 

Vida. What, to supper? 

Joe. Of course. Bob and Estelle. 

Vida. They coming? Don't let them in until I fix my hair. 

{goes to bureau, commences to arrange toilet 

Joe. These biscuit will be delicious. I mixed them before I went 
away, and they'll be as light as a fairy. 

Vida. Oh dear! Ugh! {holding finger, business 

Joe. What's the matter? 

Vida. I ran a hairpin into my finger. 

Joe. {going to her quickly) Let me see. 

Vida. Go away, you'll get flour all over me. (Joe goes back to table 
a little hurt) Oh! Joe, you needn't feel bad, it's only a little hurt, and 
I am in such a hurry. There, how does my hair look, Joe? 

Joe. Splendid. 

Vida. {coming c.) How do you know they are coming, Joe? 

Joe. Got a letter. 

Vida. AVhereisit? ^^s* 

Joe. There, in my vest pocket. 

Vida. Can I read it? 

Joe. Of course you can; help yourself; I might get flour on you. 

Vida. Joe, ain't you ashamed? {takes letter^ and dts \{. of table by 
.lOE) It looks awfully funny to see you housekeeping, Joe. 1 think 
I ought to apologize to you. 

Joe. Why? 

Vida. Because I got you under false pretense. ., 

Joe. How ? 

Vida. I never told you that I couldn't make biscuits. 

Joe. I'll forgive you. I hope you'll never have too; its awfully 
sticky work. 

Vida. What funny writing. 

Joe. It was written by a funny man. 

Vida. {reads) "DearYida and Joe, my wife and I." {aloud) Why 
Joe, are they married? 

Joe. No, they are crazy. 

Vida. {continues reading) "I mean she. tluit I hope will be my 
wife, are coniiiig \ipto see you and your Avil'e, Tuesday exening. shall 
stav to supper ii" the Gods permit. Joe, 1 know you and that dear 



THE TATTLE WIFE. 25 



little Vida are boiling- over witli happiness. T hope slie will say yes, 
and perhaps Ave ought not to come to disturb you, but Estelle said 
she couldn't wait any longer. Do you think she will ever say yes? 
Now don"t put yourself out — but if she would only look yes. OT 
"course I am certain our marriage will be a quiet one, but it shan't 
be in this house; there is the d — d's lot of scheming going on you 
ever saw." AVhat does he mean by d — dV 

Joe. Dead dogs. 

Vida. Do you think they have killed Fido? 

Joe. I hope so. 

Vida. What? 

Joe. Never mind-, read the letter. 

Vida. (read/i) "You wait until you see u^, we ar-^ I^aled." 
Loaded wnth what, Joe? 

Joe. Go on. 

Vida. "AVith news." Oh I see, they are loaded with news. 
"Don't you hope she will say yes? Yours clear through. Hob." 
Well, I should say he was crazy; "Don't you hope she will say yes." 
Joe, he must be sweet on Estelle. 

(Bob and Estelle ;j«^ their heads in window 

QuicA-. ) r< -, 

ktelle. [ Good evening. 

Vida. {jumping up and ru.shing to door l.) Wliy they have come! 
they've come! they've comel {opening door) Come right in. 

Enter Estelle, l. e. 

(Vida kisses lier) Ain't I glad to see you. 

Estelle. I am so glad to see you, Vida; here is Bob, 

Enter Bob, l. e. 

Vida. I am just as glad to see .you old fatty Bob. {kisses him 

Quick. Thanks, that's genuine dew picked from the honeysuckle. 
Good evening Joe, good evening. 

Joe comes c. icith handful of dough, .shakes hands with Bob, leaving dough 
in his hand— funny business. 

Joe. How do you do, old boy? {rushes over and kisses Estelle 

Quick. That's right, old fellow go it, I am not jealous. 

Vida. But I am. 

Estelle. No, you're not jealous of me Yida, I'm no flirt. 

{takes of hat. etc. 

Quick. Well, there are doubts on that question. (Jok crosses back 
to Bob) Joe, you are looking as happy as a king, {shakes hands, 
leaving dough in J owii hand, funng business) I thought I'd give that 
back to you, Joe, I don't need it. 

Joe. No. but I have. 

Quick. Have what? ■ 

Joe. Kneaded it. 

Quick. Well, keep it. 

Joe. So I will, {sets pan of flour in chair l. of fable c. . picks up cqfea 
pot and .starts for door h., 3 e.) Excuse me a moment, I am helping 
Vida get supper. 

Vida. Yes, and he is awfully p > >i- help. 



S6 THE LITTLE WIFE. 

{J-50U his picked up Yida's pan of biscuits, lioldinr/ up one 
Qiiicl: Joe, gol ;i pool table? These are mighty nice pool balls— 
what are they made oi"/ 

Joe. Ask Vida. (exit l., 3 e. 

Yida. You just keep still. 

YiDA rushes over to Hob c. takes pa7i of biscuits, goes to bureau, drawer, 
throws them in; Joe looks in door l. 

Joe. 'J' 1 1 e y n re Y i d a " s b i sc u i ts. 

Yidii. ^'oii shnt up! [fires ball at JoE — exit JoE, li. E. 

Fxtdlt'. I>(i(ik out, Yida, yon might kill him. 

Yidd. I don't care. 

C^virk. Oh Yida! 

Yidii. ^N ell, I don't. He has laughed more over my biscuits tlian 
as if he liad been to a circus, (EsTKr-T;E crosses to Yida k. 

Extelle. Xever mind Yida, Joe doesn't care whether you can 
make biscnils or not. 

(^iiick. Excuse me a moment, ladies, I Avaut to see Joe. {to 
Es'iemk) ^()u won't miss me for a short time? 

Kxtelle. No. lor a long lime either. 

Quirk. Tlumks. ((joes to i.., '^ k,.) Long time either, {puts fingers 
oil nnk) Gt t ii tliere again. {exii ],.. 8 e. 

Ksicllc. Oh, Vida! this is just the cosiest place I ever saw, and you 
are happy? 

Yida. indeed I am. Joe is the best man in the whole Avorld; 
money can'l buy this happiness; Joe hasn't got a bountiful supply of 
weallli. but his heart is as big as the world, and it is all mine. 

Hsldle. 1 knew how it would be. I am so glad. 

Yida. "What do von think he has done? 

Kstelle. AYhat, Yida? 

Yida. Well, in ihe llrst place he has engaged old Marlhj', the 
li()i;std<eeper, who lived with his grandmother for eight years, and 
she is coming to live with us as long as we want her. Slie is one of 
the best cooks in tlie world, and Joe says she will be just like a 
mother to us both. 

Kxtdle. That is joxely. 

Yala. Than he has bought new furniture, new carpets, new 
e\t'ry thing, and he has sent to Boston for a — guess. 

J'Melte. What is it? 

Yida. Piano for me. 

I'Jxtede. I thought you said Joe was poor. 

Yala. So ht' is. It's only a small bank account he has. 

Kxti'lle. \ girl is lucky when shegfHs a good husband. 

Vida. ^JMieii why an- yon so blind. There is one w^aiting for you. 

Kdede. 1 Iviiow. I)u1 he has iie\er asl<ed me. 

Yida. Do you mean to say that Bob never asked you to be his 
AvitV,' 

iLdaile. Xe\er. 

Enter Jok and Wim. T...R e. — :\ok with pan of biscuits, plate of meat, Bob 
'icilli Ci'Jjti-pot, crosses to c, puis things on the cupboard. 

Joe. ^\i^ hu\-c done I lie business, supper is. boiling hot. 

Quick. Yes, we ha\e deinorali/ed the kitchen and 1 have got the 



THE LITTLE WIFE. $7 

coffee, real genuine Java, from Java Ville. 

(Joe crosses to Bob i-. . takes coffee-pot 
Estelle. {to Joe) Joe, I wish you'd give me a cup of hot coffee 
right awa3% I'm so cold. 
Joe. Certainly. Do you take millc and sugar? 
Estelle. Only sugar. (Job pntu in sugar, hands cup to Bob 

Joe. Here Bob, you pour out tlie coffee and I'll set the table. 

(Bob pour.s out coffee 
Estelle. It is as cliilly as winter up here on the mountain. 

(Bob hands Estelle coffee 
Quick. Here is the beverage that will warm you up. 

Estelle drinks, Joe coming doicn c. with tablecloth in hand, Estelle 
makes a face, 

Joe. Estelle, Yida made that coffee. 

Estelle. Yes. 

Joe. Have some more? 

Estelle. No, thank you. {(/asps) I don't know, but that coffee 
tastes awfully funny. 

Joe. {looks at it, crosses to Yida r.) Yida, did you make this coffee? 

Vida. Yes. 

Joe. How did you do if ? 

Vida. I tilled thai old can full of water atid put it on the stove. 

Joe. But where is the coffee? 

Vida. There. {points to can on table c. JoE gets it 

Joe. {aside) Cayenne pepper, hot water and sugar. Enough to 
kill a cat. {takes vp coffee-pot, startti for door 

Quick. Where are you going? 

Joe. Into tlie kitchen. The coffee wanes stirring up. 

{e.vit L., 3 b. 

Vida. Estelle, I didn't know jiow to make it. 

Quick. Of course she didn't know how to make it. 

Estelle. No, I don't think she did. Oh! my mouth is burning up. 
Haven't you got any ice? 

Vida. Not a bit. 

Quick. Come to the window my dear, and get a mouthful of fresh 
air. 

Enter Joe. with glass of icater, l,, 3 e. 

Joe. Bob! (Bob crosses to l.) Here is a glass of cool water to put 
out the fire. (Bob takes glass 

Quick. Thanks. (Bob crosses to Estelle) Here, Estelle, take this. 

Vida, Oh, I am so sorry. (Estelt,k drinks —exit Joe, l., 3 e. 

Estelle. It's all right, dear Yida. There is nothing dangerous. . 
(Bob wipes Estell's mouth icith his handkerchief, then putfi gla.s.i on table 

Vida. Estelle, you know I don't know anything about making 
coffee. 

Estelle. Of course you don't. 

Quick. (^0 Estelle) Would you like another glass of water? 

Estelle. {a little harshly) No. 

Quirk. All right. (e.r/^L.,3B. 

Vida. Why Estelle, poor Bob was not to blame. 

Estelle. I know it, he is just as good as he can be. 



S8 :~;- THE LITTLE WIFE, '--T.- -- 

Vida. Then wliy don't you encourage liim, don't j-ou like him? • 
Estelk. Yes Yida, 1 do like him, I love him. 

Vida. There, you iiave told on yourself; if you love him, why 
don't y o u m a r r y him ? 
Edelk. Because lie has never asked me to. 
Yida. Well, he is as good as he can be, and twice as stupid. 

{crosses to r, 

; 3r ., .. .:.;:,.-:. y.^^ ^^^^, j^^^ L. , 3 E. 

Vida. (hack l., to Joe, aside) Joe, Estelle loves Bob. 
Joe. Dof's siie? 

Vida. Yes, and Bob loves Estelle. 

Joe. I should say he did, if one can judge by the way his tongue 
has been running about lier. 

Vida. AVell, liie foolish fellow has never asked her to be his wife. 
Joe. He siuill before he leaves this house. 

Enter Bob, l., 3 e. 

Qidclc. Can I come in? 

rj<>(. Can you come in? Of course you can. See here Bob. (aside 
^YiDA rrof.'oK to Estelle i{.) Don't you want Estelle lo marry you? 

(/iiic/,: (axide to Joe) Don't I want her to. AVell now, that is a 
nice question lo ask me; have'nt I been praying for weeks. I have 
been on my l<nees for the last three days. Why Joe, I am getting 
l)o\v-legged thinking about it, the knee business has been principally 
in my room alone. 

Joe. AVell, why don't you brace up? 

Quid-. I can't. I have got so weak there isn't a brace left in me. 
Say .loe, jiow did you do it? Did you go at it kind of easN^ or did 
you thi"(nv it at her all at once? 

Joe. In our case it didn't take many words. Our hearts spoke to- 
gether and the bargain was made. 

Quick. 1 wish somt?thing would happen in my case. If I don't get 
an answer before long, 1 shall die of consumption. 

Joe. How can you expect an answer, when you don't ask the 
question? Co to her like a man and say, "Little woman, I love you 
better than any one in the world; I'll stand by you as long as I live, 
and I want you to be my wife." Now you try that and see what 
she says. 

Quid: You won't laugh at me, will you? 

Joe. No. 

Qvicl: Then I'll do it. 

Joe. Tiiafs right; I won't ])ny any attention to you. (c/oes up c, 
calls Yida) A'ida, see here. (Yida and Joe set table c. 

Quid-, (aside) AA^ell. I might as well make the break now as any 
other time. Robert, let the blood of yonr forefathers encourage you. 
I shall be a man. (crosses to c— aloud) Miss Estelle? 

Estdle. Sir. 

Quid-. One moment, i^lease. 

Estelle. Certainly. (coming c. 

Quick. Miss Estelle. I was going to tell you— doirt you think— 

Estelle. Think wliat? 

Quick. That Yida is very happy? 

Estelle. I know she is. 



THE LITTLE WIFE. - i>9 

Quick. Wouldiri yoii like to be happy? 

J-.Welle. Of course I should. \ 

Quick. Aro you? 

KxtcUc. AVell, yes, comparative!}'. 

Quick. Then there is room for a little more? 

ExtcUc. Oh: of course. 

Quick, (ciside) I've got a chance, {aloud) Well. Miss Estelle, I 
am f-oing- i,, .stand here until I die. 

Esfcl/c. Wliat: Then I'll have to go home alone. 

Quick. Not much! Miss Kstelle, 1 love vou better Ihaii anyone 
in tho world, I will stand by you as long- us 1 live; will you be my 
Avile? 

KsUllc. {furnsi her head) Really, Mr. Quick, this is so unexpecled 
and you have taken me quite unawares. 1 have ahviivs este(;med 
you as a friend, but when you ask me — 

Quick. Jbisled sure as thunder. {fjoe>i up l., turns) (\ol the sack, 
this IS loo (h>vilish bad. (^^u^ in pau of flour 

-hxtcl/c. As I said, when you asked me to be ,your wife, it was 
nolhing more than 1 expected, and as [ truly and sincerely love you, 
1 will accept your offer. 

Quick, (rising) AVliat's that? {coming c.) Did I hear aright? 
i ou said you loved me and will be my wife? 

Ksfc//c. I will. 

Quick. Thanks. • '"'' 

BoiJ embraces Estei,le, 7tis back to audience, with the flour all over him^ 
after embrace, Estelle and Yida 77ieet ii. c; Bob goes up c, shaken 
/land.f icith JoE. 

Yida. Why. Mr. Quick, where have you been sitting? 

Joe. {laughs) Why Bob, you have been sitting ji, my pan of flour. 

Quick. Flour! 1 don't give a dam if a grist mill busts all over me. 

{crosses to n., embraces Estef-lk 

Joe. Bob, I think you are in a fit condition to go to the laundrv. 

Quick, (crosses to Jois) All right, do as you like. Put me into the 
washing machine if 3'ou say so, but there is one thing I draw the 
line al. 

Joe. What's that? 

Quick. The clothes wringer. I'll not go through that. 

{exit Bob and Joe, l., 3 e. 

T ida.. Now Estelle, let you and I set the table. 

Estelle. All right, {fixing .table) Vida, don't it make one feel 
funny lo be engaged. 

\lda. It is perfectly right for young people to marrv. Of course 
they should wait until they are old enough. 

Estelle. A'ida, how do you think Bob and [ will get alou"-? 

^ Ida. Oh lovely! lie is as good as the day is long, iT i,e docs 
swt'iir. 

Estelle. \\ takes a smart man to swear as regularly as Bub. 

, Enter Joe, icith coffee-pot, followed by Bob, l., 3 e. 

Joe. Xow ladies, this time |I have brought you coffee, and here 
C'Mnes litM) clean as a Avhistle. 

Quick, (spouting) Do not stay my course. I am not guilty, the 



so THE LITTLE WIFE. 

stain lias been wipeil a^va3^ 

Estelle. Robert Quick, what gibberish]|is that? 

Quick. Choice clippings from the dramatic scliool. 

Vida. {back of table c.) Come to supper. 

Quick. ISfow iheii to refresh the inner man. Estelle, will you al- 
low me. 

Bob escorts Estelle to chair b. of table, Bob sits c. icith back to 

audience. 

Joe. {remains standing l. of table) Now let good digestion wait on 
appel i f p. {passes plate of meat, then the bread, pours out coffee 

Estelle. This is our first meal together in Joe's home, 

Quirk, {riming) And 1 propose a toast, {cup of coffee in hand, all 
oi.st the same) To the health and happiness of the host and hostess. 

Estelle. 1 join in that. 

Joe. (thy all drink and start to sit doion) Hold on! I propose the 
same toast to the future Mr. and Mrs. Quick. 

Quick, {takes coff^ee-pot) That calls for the whole business. 

{starts to drink 

Estelle. Robert! 

Quick. Don't call me Robert, call me Bobby. 

Estelle. Well, Bobby dear, you are forgetting yourself. 

Quick. I beg your pardon. 

{sets doicn coff^ee-pot, all laugh and sit — thunder 

Vida. .Top, that's thunder. 

Joe. Only a passing shower, it will soon be over. 

Quick. I hope so, for 1 have forgotten my umbrella. 

Ynla. Now let's be happy and forget everything unpleasant. 

Joe. Yes, evefi old — {flash of lightening, thunder 

Injln John appears at window, r. 

Vida. Who, Joe? 

Joe. Councellor (Jorman. (another flash of lightening 

John, {outside) Gorman! 

Eteryone starts; Joe and Bob exit at dooi' L., Yida and Estelle ^o to 

windoio. 

Estelle. "\Yhat in the world was that. 

Enter Bob and Joe, l. e.. leading Injun John, who is weak and faint. 

Vida. Why, it's Injun John. 

John. Y^es,"^ Injun .Vchn. {help him to chuir, c.) That's better, but 
1 am so weak. Could yon let me lay down? 

Joe. Certainly, old man, come this v\ay. (Bob and Joe asdst him 
to rise and lead him to door, b., 3 k.) Here you will find a comfortable 
place to rest, and then you shall have some supper. 

{exit Bob, .^oF.and Injun John, r., 3 e. 

Estelle. Oh! what a singular occurrence. 3Iy heart is away up in 
my mouth. 

Vida. Poor old man, I feel so sorry for him. 



THE LITTLE WIFE, SI 

Enter Bob, r., 3 e. 

Did he lie down? 

Quick. Yes, he'll soon be all right. {all sit at table 

Elite)' Zoi&, R., 3 E. 

Joe. What a strani^e world we live in. Strange things have hap- 
pened and stranger are still to come. 

Vida. Joe, what's the matter? 

Joe. {rousiiiq up) Oh, nothing, {looking out of the window) The 
clouds seem to darken, {crosses to table l. and sits) but the storm will 
soon be over. {sits dreaming 

Estelle. Don't you think Injun John is crazy? 

Vida. Why E'stelle! 

Edelle. He looks so wild. 

Vida. So does Bol). 

Quick. Now Vida, that is personal. 

Joe. {aside) Is it a reality, or only a dream. 

Vida. Joe, what are you saying? 

Joe. Nothing. My mind was far away. Pshaw! it was only a 
passing fancy, {knock outside 'L.) Come in! 

Enter Gorman, l. e. ; all start, 

Vida' \ (''•^^^^^^'O Mr. Gorman! 

Quick, {turning aroiuid, facing audience) The devil! 

Joe. {rising) Well sir! by what right do you come into my house? 

Gor. 1 beg your pardon, but I am a legal adviser. 

Quick. Yes, and a damn bad one. 

Estelle. Bob, \i yo\x don't stop swearing, you can consider our en- 
gagement broken off. 

Quick. Estelle, I swear — 

Estelle. That's what I, don't want you to do. 

Quick. I simply meant to say that henceforth T will be an angel. 

Gor. As a lawyer, ladies and gentlemen — {all at table commence to 
eat and iimke noise with knives and forks tt) drown Gorman's voice;) 
Again I repeat, I come in the name of the law and must do my duty. 

Quick. So must I. Estelle, come here. 

{pulls Estelle to liim and kisses her 

Vida. Joe, I can't stand that. 

Joe Jms his mouth full of bread and Vida inits a piece of bread in her 
rtwuth, pulls Joe over and attempts to kiss Mm, funny business, 
Estelle and Bob laugh boisterously. 

Gm\ Oh! you can't laugh me down. 

Omnes. What's that? 

Gor. r shall stay here until I am iieard. (nUeatfastf. mak? great 
iioise:) When you are through witli your kiiile and fori< serenade, 
perhaps you will listen, as my business is of special importance to 
Miss Vida. 

Vida. 1 (rising) To me? 

Gor. To you, if you will kindly come here, I will lell you in 



3$ THE LITTLE WIFE. 

private. 

Yida. (crosses to l. c.) These are my friends and are welcome to 
hear any news tliat you bring to me. 

Gov. I come with a message from your father. 

Mda. My father! What of him? 

Gov. He is to be married this evening'. 

Yida. Married I {staggering hack — ///Joe) Joe, my liusband. 

Joe. Do you come here to insult my wife? 

(lor. No, I come as a fpiend. 

Joe. Ood have mercy on those you befriend. 

Gov. Yida, here is a check for $10,000, your father's gift. He 
thouglit you might need il. having married a pauper. 

Joe. {crosses to i,. , quic/ili/) Insolent cur, I will — 
\'id((. {qiiicMy) Joel husband! listen to your wife, (pushes ^ots. 
hark, he sits on table c.) 1 will speak to him. {to Gorman) Are you 
a man tit to breathe the air with honest people? Have j'ou notcaused 
me sutl'eriug enough? You liave tried to break my heart, you have 
])oisoiied my father's love and made a martyr of his child. Now you 
come to add new insults, no greater insult could you give than your 
presence beneath my husband's roof. 

(lor Here is the check. 

Yida. {sn at cJ*€s check) Coward! coward! (going vp to door, tear- 
ing check, riotenth/ pushes door open, stands k. of door, throws the pieces of 
check at his feet) There is your check, {pointing to door) and there is 
tile door. (Jo! 

Enter Injun John, r., 3 e. 

PICTURE. 

QUICK CURTAIN, 



ACT IV. ■'■ 

SCENE.— "MATtTJ. jink's apartment at hotel St. George; parlor, hoxed 
doors, practical, n., ?> e. and l., 3 e.; sofa down in j\. corner; lamp 
on table lighted; chairs ii. and i,., np stage; two fancy small tables i{. 
and I., c; door drapery; curtains c. door; scene backed by interior; 
^re-place icitU fire, j;., 2 e.; carpet and rugs. Curtain rises to 
plaintive music — Madef.ine discovered on chair l. 

Mad. Clouds of despair seem to be gathering about me. I fear 
the darkness that is to come, the past hiyk so heavil^y upon me, that 
1 am sinking under the weight, (rises) AYhen but a child, i was 
ihrown uiwn the world an orphan, left to the care of a guardian, 
wliose sacred charge should have been that of a good father, but who 
])roved a fiend, holding a secret that he held over my fatlier's life, to 
frighten me into being his slave; instead of teaching me truth, he 
1 aught me to lie; he made me a victim to every sin .save one, in that 
1 have been loyal to myself, thank God. In all else I have been cold 
lu^artt'd, mercenery. Fate has placed me where I am, and I'll tight 
it out to the end, the end? 1 dare not think of it, but if I full in this 
they'll find lam prepared for the worst, they'll find I am no coward. 

- _ ... (sits Ii 



THE LIT TLB WlFK. S$ 

Entei' EsTELi,E, l. c. e. 

Estelle. Mother! (sits on otlomnn at Madeline's knee 

Mad. Estelle, who has been with you? 

Edelle. Bob. 

Mud. You are getting very familiar with Mr. Quick. 

Enter Quick, l. c. e., lUtenlng. 

Estelle. Why should'nt I be, we are eiigage<I. 

Mad. Engaged to him! Engaged to liim? 

Estelle. Yes, mother. 

Mad. Engaged to that flashy dude, that brainless idiot. (Bo3 
turns hack to audience, hand vn-der his coat-tail'i, excited) I am sur- 
prised, Estelle. (Bob faces audience) He is as useless as a toy horse. 

Quick, (aside) Why didn't she say jack-ass. 

Estelle. Mother! 

Mad. You will have to hire a nurse to take care of that booby. 

Quick, (aside) She is laying me out in great shape. 

Estelle. Mother, you wrong poor Bob. 

3fad. Don't Bob me, why that simpleton will end up in the insane 
asylum. 

Quick, (aside) Tf she keeps on we'll both get there. I'll be in the 
o .convalescent, she in the disturbed ward. 

> Estelle. Mother, Bob is one of the best fellows in the world; he 
^ loves me dearly, and he is as smart as he can be. 

Mad. Well, that won't kill him. 

Estelle. Stop, mother! I tell you, Bob is intelligent, his head is 
liable to burst open with brains. 

Mad. So is a ripe pumpkin with seeds. 

Quick. That's good, first she classified me with a horse, now with 
a pumpkin, next I'll be a vegetable oyster. (sits l. 

Estelle. (rises, crosses to l.) You are severe, mother! I love Bob, 
and Bob loves me. 

Quick, (jumping up, comes down c.) Yes, Madam Adair, we both 
love. 

Mad. Fool! You don't know what love is. 

Quick. I beg pardon, but do you? 

Mad. Insolent! 

Quick. Not at all, Madam. I wouldn't be insolent to you for the 
Avorld. I just heard you weigh out my calibre in a very weak 
balance. Your good opinion of me is somewhat limited, as I sup- 
pose anything that might escape this seven by nine organ, (pointing 
to mouth) would be considered busted air. 

Mad. Where have you two been? 
Quick. To see Miss Y Ida's — 

Estelle. Bob. 

Mad. ToseeVida? 

Estelle. Yes, mother, Yida, and she was the happiest little creature 
you ever saw until — • 

Quick: Until that bow-legired petty-fogging lawyer came on the 
scene and busied up the whole business. 

Mad. Mr. Quick, if you refer to my friend, Mr. Gorman, j'ou will 
kindl}' take the hint, your room is better than your company. 



Si THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Quick. Thenyou want me to clear the way for your friend? 
Mad. I do. 

Quick. Well, if that goggled-eyed scliemer is your friend, you had 
better let me fill the vacancyand remain. 
Estelle. Now Bob, don't get excited, 

Quick. I can't help it; as I am about to be linked to this family, 
I feel it my duty to speak, and nothing can stop me except paralysis. 
Mad. Mr. Quick, you seem to have a natural flow of language 
that certainly must have a fountain head. 

Quick. Fountain head! It is like Niagara Falls, it will never run 
dry. 

Mad. You say you want to marry my daughter. Can you support 
her, have you got money? 

Quick. Well, I have got a stocking that is pretty well filled. 
Mad. {looking at Bob's feet) Yes, you have. 
; {business of looking at feet for all 

Quick, {aside) Why did she look at my feet, she must have meant 
something, {aloud) Madam, the stocking I allude to, does not be- 
long to m}' private wardrobe. I mean that I have money and also a 
business. 

Mad. What business? 
Quick That is private. 

Mad. Oh! a business that you are ashamed of; gambling perhaps? 
Quick. Gambling — never played cards in my life but once, then I 
had to go without supper, sleep in a park and catch a free lunch for 
breakfast. 

Estelle. Then if you are not ashamed of it, why don't you tell us? 
Quick. ] am sworn to keep still by oath of office. 
Estelle. Bob, are you an officer? .^. 

Quick. 1 am one of the U. S. S. S. D. 
Estelle. What's that? 

Quick. A United States Secret Service Detective. I have been 
one for five years. {slioioing badge 

Estelle. Oh Bob! why didn't you tell me. That business is awfully 
dangerous. 

Quick. Not at all. We are doubly protected. AVe protect the 
laAV and the law protects us. I came up to the mountains for fun, 
but I struck a little business, and shan't let it slip. {goes up to c. 
Estelle. What is the business? 

Quick, {ux) c.) Chasing a skunk. I have him caged, and I am 
going to lock the door. {exit l. c. e. 

Estelle. {crosses to M-AD'E'liee) Mother dear, don't be angry with 
me. but tell me, are you going to marry Colonel Matterson to-night? 
Mad. I am. 

Estelle. And is he to give you a large amount of property? 
Mad. He is. 

Estelle. Do you know that it rightly belongs to Vida? 
Mad. So you and your detective lover have been meddling with 
my affairs. 

Estelle. Do you think it riglft to rob the innocent? All this wealth 
was left by Vida's mother to her father, with the request that she 
should have it. How can you do ii? nrts not the dictate of your 
own heart, and I know it. It is the evil influence of tiiat villain, 
Gorman, who has caused us so much misery, and possesses a power, 



THE LITTLE WIFE. 35 

you seem unable lo resist. MoUier. think before you accept. 
Mad. Estelle, leave the room. 

.Estelle. (going up c.) Poor mother. (md l. c. e 

Mad. My daughter is turning against me; my impressions were 

right, the first step to my downfall. Shall I weaken now? No, I'll 

stand firm to the last. 

Bnt.r Gorman, r. c. e„ goes to sofa r. 

Go7\ (aside) We must hasten the ceremony, there is no time to 
be lost. I saw the panther like rage, in Vida's husband. I saw the 
fire flash from her eyes, and tiiey mean mischief, (aloud) My dear 
Madeline. 

Mad. ^Ye\\ Gorman, back again. 

Gor. Yes, back. Madeline, we must make haste, the ceremonv 
must be performed at once, there is danger ahead. The minister 
will- soon be here, be prepared, make no delay, there is no time to 
wai t. 

Mad. (rising and going up c.) No time to wait! Was there ever 
time to wait, when your ends had to be gained. 

Gor What do you mean ? {goes to l. corner 

Mad. (c.) I mean that you are urging me on to destruction. No 
matter what the precipice, I must make the leap if I fall millions oC 
feet. What do you care for me as long as your greed of gain is satis- 
fied, and«your ends accomplished. 

Gor. Have I not been kind? 

Mad. Yes, creeping, crawling kind. You have another purpose 
in view; another game to play; your hypocritical mind has poisoned 
my very soul. 

Gor. Madeline, you shall not. 

Mad. Oh! it is hard for the guilty to hear the truth. The master 
workman has come to pick up the tool to finish the sinful job. Little 
did mother think Avhen she placed me in your care, what the end 
would be. Better to have thrown me to the dogs. I am not what 
God made me, I have been remoulded bv a human devil. My own 
child has discarded me! Oh! God, iC I conid die. 

Gor. (crosses ton. c.) Madeline, you must be patient, calm your- 
seU, be wise, the Avails have; ears, even now your excited words may 
have been heard. Go into yonder room, I will soon be with you 

Mad. Yes, I will go. (turns to him) AVhat is the use. l" will go. 

Gor. Fool! It is the last time she'll play such a trick on me in a 
few short moments I shall have in my possession the reward of 
honest labor. {goes up to i\. c. 

Enter Mattehson, l., 3 e., goes l., 1 e., he seems troubhd. 

Ah! my dear Colonel. T was just coming to you, (Colonel crosses 

sits L.) I performed your mission. * 

Mat. Did you see Vida? 

Gor. I did. 

Mat. Is she well? 

Gor. Well, 1 should ratlier think she was in prettv good health 

Mat, Is her home comfortable? 

Goi\ It may be a little cold in winter, but it was pretty warm 



S6 Tim LITTLE WIFE, j^M. 

"W'hen I was th«re. 

Mat. Do you think she is happy? 

Gm\ She appeared to be in pretty good spirits. 

Mat. Did she receive you cordially? 

Oor. Well, tlie reception was a little cool at first, but it got red 
liot before I left. 

Mat. Did she accept the check? 

Gor. She tore it up as if it were fly paper, threw it on the floor 
and ordered me out of the house. 

Mat. She has got spirit, (asuh) I bless her for that. 

Gor. Spirit: She is a perfect devil. 

Mat. {rising) Gorman, no matter what I have said or done, T for- 
bid you to say anything against Yida. 

Gor. Certainly not. heaven knows I wouldn't wrong her. But. 
Colonel, I thought we had better make the marriage service an hour 
rarlier, so I have ordered the minister to be here by nine o'clock. 

Mat. Ten o'clock was the hour set, and it shall not take place be- 
fore, {sits 

Guv. 1 have drawn up anew transfer. {It a?ids it to Coi.O'SKh) It 
is the same as the other; please to look it over. 

(CoT.ONEii looks at it, hands it back 
; Mat. I suppose it is all right. 

Ooi'. I have made out a check in my favor, and as I have been 
put to extra trouble, I filled it out for $4000 instead of $3500, it only 
needs your signature. 

Mat. 1 will attend to it later on. 

Gor. Of course 1 am in no hurry, {crosses to Vi., 1 e., aside) I'll 
Show this transfer to Madeline, it wiH give her new hope. 

Enter Bob and Estelle, c. e. 

(aloud) Colonel, there is something ] should like to say to you, as I 
feel it my duly. I mean no ofl'ence, but Vida tore up the check be- 
cause she had visitors and wanted 1o show off her disregard of your 
kind offer. 1 tell you this because it is the truth. {exit r., 1 e.' 

Quick, {steps foricard) And I say it is a darned lie. 

Estelle. - Swearing again. Bob. I'll see you bye-and-bye. 

{exit I,, c. E. 

Qmck. (c.) Put my foot in it again. She'll jump me this time 
sure. I can't help it; to hear a little angel like Vida slandered, is 
enough to make a saint swear. (<o Colonel) Colonel Matterson, 
that is the most contemptible creature that ever wore pants. 

Mat. Why do you speak so of Mr. Gorman? 

Quick. Because it is the truth. I wouldn't allow that man in my 
back yard ten minutes, he'd have' hens, chickens, coop and all; for 
fifty cents he'd commit murder, for a dollar he'd hang himself. 

Mat. You are outspoken. 

Quick. Of course 1 am. I'm going lo kick him out. 

Mat. What do you mean? 

Qvick. I am going to marry into the family he has been trying to 
ruin, and take his position. 

Mat. Then you are going to marry Estelle? 

Quick. If she doesn't change her mind. 

Mat. Then 1 shall be your father by marriage. 
, Quick, I hope not. 



THE LITTLE WIFE. S7 

Mat. What do you say? 

Quick. Oh 1 I have no serious objection to you Colonel, but I don't 
think you and Estelle's mother will make each other happy. 

Mat. Sir! {dart up 

Quick. Colonel, if I was your age, I'd break off love making. I'd 
go out of the business, and if I really needed something to occupy 
my mind, I'd start a clieese factory. {exit i\., 1 e. 

Mat. What impudence! 

Enter Estelt,e, r. c. b. 

Estelle. Bob! Bob! Oh Bob! He's not here. 

Mat. Estelle. 

Edelle. Pardon me, Colonel. 

Mat. You avoid me of late. What is your reason for so doing? 

Eatelle. I mean no offence. 

Mat. Why are you not more sociable? Have I not always been 
respectful? 

Estelle. Oh! yes sir. but I don't like to interfere with others. I 
feel sometimes as if I must speak, tiien I go away. 

Mat. What would you like to say? (sUm on sofa, u. 

Estelle, To ask if this marriage is going to take place? 

Mat. Yes, Estelle, don't yon think I'll make a good father? 

Estelle. (going c.) A food father? {in c. door) A good father 
would not desert his only child. {exit l. c. e. 

Mat. They all seem set against this union. 

Enter Vida, k. c. e., coming down c. 

Nothing shall prevent its taking place, no not even— (goes L., sits 
Vida. Yonrown child, (extending hand, GoLO'SEh hesitates) Father, 
will you not accept my hand, does it not belong to j'ou? 

Enter Joe, k. c. e. 

Mat. Yes, my daughter. ' 

Joe. (c.) 'L'hank God. 

Vida. My dear father, f have given my heart to my husband, he 
is worthy of all the love I have, but I'll not rob you of your share. 

Joe. (coming down c.) Vida! 

Vida. Father, you are trembling, there are tears in your eyes, 
look father — (CoLONiiiTi turns) my husband! " (pause 

Mat. And my son. 

(giving hand: ,Toe and Colonel meet c, Yida ii. c. 

Vida. My prayer is answered, 

Joe. Father! of the dearest child that e\er bore the name of 
womr.n, I'll ,be a son to you and a husband (Vida coming c.) to Vida. 
(eivbrace) If there is love in the lie:irt of man ihat (';mi he called 
idolatry, such is mine for Vida. It cannot be s;iid 1 married her for 
wealth or stjition. that was taken from heron her w fdijino' (i;iy. All 
she had to give was herself, and I took her; so Id riches take their 
V. ings and tly. 



SS THE LITTLE WIFE. 

Clock outside .slilhis ten; all listen; Yida and Joe uj) r, c, at the eighth 
bell, enter Injun John, l. c, Madklineh., 1 K.,foUoiced by Gor- 
man and BoK— EsTELLE enters r., 8 e., clock ceases. 

Mat. Ten o'clock, the hour. 

(Injun John evininn doicn c, Madeline (joinrj up c, they meet c. 

John, (sees M aueijne, start back) Madeline! 

Mad. Frederick, my liusband! 

{starts back, Gorman catches her arm, Estelle comes doicn 

Mat. Wlio is this stranger? 

LUstelle. Injun John. 

John. Tliegirl isriglit. Injun John, (looks at ISlAjyEi/ii^iE) Madeline, 
my Avife! [droppinrj head, raising head) And Gorman too. 

(Gorman starts r., Bob stops him 

Qvick. Wait a minute, we can't excuse you yet. Injun John 
wants to tell you a story. {musiG 

John. Gorman, the man who tried to l<ill me. 

Gor. It's a lie. 

John. 1 say he tried to kill me, not as an assassin, who does his 
worl; quickly, but as an instigator of a death of years of suffering-, 
that turns the brain and makes life hideous. But all now is as clear 
us the cloudless sk}-, and I see away back to childhood. That is the 
man who robbed me of fortune. 1 was born up here in the mountain. 
1 married a farmer's daughter, who died, leaving me with one child, 
:i boy, {points to .] ok) and there he stands. 1 was thriving in the 
lumber business up in the State of Maine, when lie {points to Gob.- 
]sian) met me, \\ on my confidence, ate into my fortune as a worm 
into a thrifty tree, lie brought Madeline to me, a mere child; he 
urged our union, so that my time should be taken up with her and 
leave him free access to my purse. Well, wc married, went to Cali- 
loniia, and lived in peace until he came, induced us to seek fortune 
in a new land. We Avent to Australia, there a baby girl was born to 
us. When he had ground out, of me my last cent, he influenced my 
Avife to desert me. I followed by the next steamer, which was 
wrecked, picked up, and remember landing in Frisco, there fever 
set in and all else since has been a myth, except at intervals, when 
1 see life in the plains among savages. I Nxandered here and woke 
up from my dreams in the house of my own son; at the sight of his 
t'a,ce memory returned. My mother was married a second time to a 
man named Clayton, and wh^n I deserted my boy, she made Joe 
drop my name and take hers. The rest of tlie story you know. My 
jiame is Frederick Brain ford; there stands my son, and there my 
wife, Madeline — 

Gor. Strange story; where are your proofs? 

J<fhn. Here is my marriage certificate, and here are other papcrf5 
Avritten by yourself, the contents of which help to prove your 
treachery. (Gorman starts r. 

Quirk. Hold on. {stops him 

Gor. By what right do you stop me? 

Quick. The right of a U. S. S. S. D. 

(jor. Wluit's tliat? 

Quick. U. S. Secret Service Detective for five years. I came up 
herti for fun, but I am ;il\vays willing lo combine business with 
pleasure, {pulliiKj out hnid-cuffs) and I ne\er had so much pleasure 



THE TATTLE WIFE. SO 

ftS'I shall take in putting the nippers on you. (puts on cuffs, Gouman 
starts) Wait a moment. George! {calling off n., 1 e., and takes Goii- 
MAN to iciiig) take this dirt down stairs in the back yard. 

As GoEMAX and Bob^(? off", Madeline takes a hottle of poison from dress, 
and is about to drink, as Joe catches hei' arm and takes bottle, Bob 
cojnes back. 

Quick. Poison ! 
Omnes. What! poison? 
Quick. Yes. 

Injun John 6Ya72(?.'?c., Bob crosses to Estelle at lack, Y mk comes U- 
tween Injun John and ISIadeltne. 

Yida. Oh! madam, it is not such atonement lie seeks, but lliis. 
{leading Injun John to r., places his hand in Madeline's 
' Jolin. She speaks the truth, Madeline. All is forgiven, will you 
come back to me? 
Mad. I will. 

{siands k. with Injun John, Joe c, Vida crosses to Mattekson 
Yida. Father, are you contented and happy? 

Mat. Yes, my child. I see that everything has been ordered for 
the best. 

Vida. {crosses lo Bob a7id Estelle) Estelle, are you contented? 

Estelle. Yes, arn't Ave Bob? 

Quick. I'm in the second heaven. 

Yida. And Joe, are you happy? 

Joe. Yes, Yida, I am. 

Yida. And so is your little wife. (comes into his arms 

CURT Am. 
the end. 



STAGE DIllECTIONS. 

E., means Right; L., Left; b. h., Right Hand ; l. h., Left Hand: 

('., Center ; s. E., (2dE.) Second Entrance ; u. e.. Upper Entrance; 

M. D., Middle Door; f., the Flat; d. f., Door in Flat; ii. c, Right 

of Center ; l. c, Left of Center. 

K. R. c. a ^ c. L. 

*#* The reader is suppo ing the audience. 



THE LA'lEST IRISH COMEDY, IX THREE ACTS, 
BY BILLY F. LEE—ENTITLED 



Muldoon's BlundeFS. 



For Jive male and five female characters. Time of play- 
ing, 2 hours and 15 mlnuies. 



SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS, 

■ ACT I.— Muldoon's oflBce— Katie Muldoon and Otto B. Honnst, the 
nclor— The rehearsal of Damon and Pytliias, interrupted by AYldow 
McGreev^' — "Divil a bit of fun did T see at all, at all"— Widow ^SIc- 
(u-eevv informs Katie of her fifth matrimonial venture— Sure it's 
your fallier, Larry Muldoon I'm goin^ to marry"— Katie and ths^ 
Widowplanning a joke on Muldoon — Katie pleads the Widow's cause 
—Muldoon's entanglement with Julianna— Katie's advice, ''Marry 
llie one you love best— Toby and Muldoon— "Murder! murderl"— Katie 
comes to Toby's assistance— Julianna threatens Muldoon— "She's 
daffy"— "I'll commit suicide"— Tlie joke on Muldoon— Serenade by 
tiVe salvation army— Widow McGreevy, Captain— Speech by ihe 

Widow, which is over heard by Muldoon lie looses his temper— 

"I'll be revenged, I'll marry Julianna and spite the Widow" — Mul- 
doon and tlie Count — Adolph Bismarck warns Muldoon — Widow 
McGreevy on the war path. 

ACT II. — Bismarck and Otto at the restaurant— Trouble begins — 
The changed signs — The downfall of Germany — Katie and Otto's 
little plan — Toby earns five dollars — Muldoon's experience in getting 
alicense-Julianna and Bismarck-The Widow appropriates Julianna's 
]Linch — Toby — "Dar'U be a hot time in the ole town to-night" — Tlie 
Widow's lament — Tobyand Julianna — Katie, as Julianna, discovers 
Ihe Count's secret— Toby's abduct— The mock marriage — "Golly, I 
kidnapped de wrong gal." 

ACT III. — Toby and Widow, the masquerade ball— Widow's fine 
music — Muldoon and the Widow — The mouth-organ —Otto persuades 
Muldoon to appear drunk, in order to unmask tlie Count and 
Julianna — The Widow and Muldoon— "Sure and he's drunk as a 
coon" — The Count and Julianna arrested — "Faith an I'll marry the 
WMdowafther all." Price 25 cts. 



iimEs' Plays — GantlnuBfl. 



NO. M. V. 

146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 

53 Out in the Streets ~... 6 4 

51 Rescued 6 3 

59 Saved 2 3 

102 Turn of the Tide 7 4 

68 Three aiasees a Day 4 2 

62 Ten Nights in a Bar-Room... 7 3 

5S Wrecked 9 8 

COMEDIES. 

324 A Day In A Doctor's Office... 6 1 

136 A Legal Holiday 5 3 

168 A Pleasure Trip 7 3 

124 An Afflicted Family ~ 7 5 

257 Caught in the Act 7 3 

248 Captured 6 4 

178 Caste 8 3 

176 Factory Girl 6 3 

207 Heroic Dutchman of '76 8 3 

T99 Home 4 3 

174 Love's Labor Not Lost 3 3 

158 Mr.Hudson's Tiprer Hunt 1 1 

149 New Years in N. Y 7 6 

37 Not So Bad,After All 6 5 

237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 

338 OurBys 6 4 

126 Our Daughters 8 6 

265 Pug and the Baby 5 3 

114 Passions 8 4 

264 Prof. James' Experience 

Teaching Country School 4 3 

219 Rags and Bottles 4 1 

239 Scale with Sharps and Flats.. 3 2 

221 Solon Shingle 14 2 

262 Two Bad Boys 7 3 

87 The Biter Bit S 2 

131 The Cigarette 4 2 

240 12.000 Reward 2 

TRAGEDIES. 

16 The Serf 6 3 

FARCES A; COMEDIETTA S. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oo8 „ 2 1 

132 Actor and Servant 1 1 

316 Aunt Charlotte's Maid 8 3 



ai 



A Colouel's Mishap 5 

A Capital Match H 

A Kiss in the Dark 2 

166 ATexan Mother-in-Law 4 

30 A Day Well Spent 7 

169 A Regular Fix 2 

286 A Professional Gardener 4 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 

320 AllInAMudlle 3 3 

78 An Awful Criminal 3 3 

313 A Matchmiiking Father 2 2 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 

21 A Romantic Attachment 3 3 

123 A Thrilling Item 3 1 

20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 

329 A Valets. Mistake 5 4 

324 A Day in a Doctors Office 5 1 

175 Betsey Baker 2 2 



12 
303 



271 
116 
120 

50 
140 

74 

35 
247 

95 
305 
299 

11 
323 

99 

82 
182 
127 



106 
288 
139 
231 
235 
69 



212 



273 
296 
259 
340 
334 
44 
33 



Better Half - 5 

Black vs. White 4 

Captain Smith 3 

Cheek WUl Win 3 

Cousin Josiah 1 

Cupids Capers 4 

Cleveland s Reception Party. 6 

Double Election 9 

Der Two Surprises 1 

Deuce is in Him o 

Did I Dream it 4 

Dutchy vs. Nigger 3 

Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

Domestic Felicity 1 

Eh? W( at Did You Say 3 

Everybody Astonished...^ 4 

Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 
Freezing a Mother-in-Law... 2 

Fun in a Post Office 4 

Family Discipline 

Family Jars 5 

Goose with the Golden Eggs.. 5 

Give Me My Wife 3 

Hallabahoola. the Medicine 

Man 4 

Hans, the Dutch J- P 3 

Hans Brummel's Cafe 5 

Hash i 

H. M. S. Plum 1 

How She ha." Own Way 1 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 

How to Tame M-in-Law 4 

How Stout Your Getting 5 

Incompatibility of Temper... *! 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 

Jacob Shlaff's Mistake 8 

Jimmie Jones ~ | 

John Smith 5 

Joh-mes Blatz's Mistake 4 

Jumbo Jum — » 

Killing Time 1 



Kittie*s Wedding Cake 

Lick Skillet Weddina.- £ 

Lauderbach's Little Surprise 3 
Locked in a Dress-maker's 

Room 3 

Lodgings for Two 3 

Love in all Corners 5 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 

Match for a other- Min-Law.. 2 

More Blunders than one 4 

Mother's Fool 6 

My Heart's in Highlands 4 

My Precious Betsey » 

My Turn Next 4 

My Wife's Relations 4 

My Day and Now-a-Days 

My Neighbor's Wife 3 

Nanka's Leap Year Venture.. 5 

Nobody's Moke 5 

Our Hotel 5 

OUvet 3 

Obedience -»-. 1 

On the Sly 



1.-.3 2, 



r6 



LIBRORV OF COhGRFS.? 



iiniBs' Plays- 




015 873 285 3 

Linn 



57 
217 
165 
195 
159 
171 
180 
267 
309 

48 
138 
115 

55 
327 
2:^2 
241 
270 
1 
326 
339 
137 
328 
2i2 
315 

40 

38 
101 
167 
291 



285 
68 
295 
54 
28 
292 
142 
276 
263 
7 
281 
312 
269 
170 
213 
832 
151 
56 
70 
135 
li7 
155 

111 

157 



17 

I3r! 



215 



M. »• 

Paddy Miles' Boy 5 2 

Patdnt Washing Machine 4 1 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 

PoorPilieody 2 3 

Quiet Family 4 4 

Rough Diamond 4 3 

Ripples 2 

Room 44 2 

Santa Glaus' Daughter 5 4 

Sohnaps 1 1 

Sewing Circle of Period 5 

S. H. A.M. Pinafore 3 3 

Someboflv'?! Nobody 3 2 

Strictly Temperance 2 2 

Stage Struck Yankee 4 2 

Struck by Lightning 2 2 

Slick and Skincer 5 

Slasher and Crasher 5 2 

Too Many Cousins 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix 2 

Taking the Census 1 1 

The Landlords Revenue 3 

That Awful Carpet Bag 3 3 

Thnt Rascal Pat 3 2 

That Mysterious B'dle 2 2 

The Bewijihed Closet 5 2 

TheComifcMan ». 3 1 

Turn Him Out 3 2 

The Actor's Scheme 4 4 

The Trish Squire of Squash 

Ridge 4 2 

The Mashers Mashed 5 2 

The Sham Professor 4 

Jhe Spellin' Skewl 7 6 

The Two T.J's 4 2 

Thirty-three Next Birthday.. 4 2 

Tim Flannigan 5 

Tit for Tat 2 1 

The Printer and His Devils.. 3 1 

Trial<» of a Country Editor.... 6 2 

The Wonderful Telephone.... 3 1 

Two Aunt Emilys 8 

Uncle Efhan 4 3 

Uniust Justice 6 2 

U. S. Mail - 2 2 

Vermont Wool Dealer 5 3 

Which is Which 3 3 

Wanted a Husband 2 1 

Wooing Under Difl5culties.«.. 5 3 

Which will he Marry 2 8 

Widower's Trials.^ 4 5 

Waking Him Up 1 2 

Why they Joined the Re- 
beccas — 4 

Yankee Duelist 3 1 

Yankee Peddler 7 3 

GUIDE BOOKS. 

Hints on Elocution 

Hints to Amateurs 

CANTATA. 

On to Victory...., -... 4 6 



>. U. F. 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 



204 Academy of Stars 6 

3li5 A Coincidence 8 

65 An Unwelcome Return 3 

15 An Unhappy Pair 1 

172 Black Shoemaker ^ 4 

98 Black Statue 4 

22 Colored Senators 3 



214 Chops., 



3 



145 Cuff's Luck 2 



190 Crimps Trip.... 5 



27 Fetter Lane to G^ravesend. 

153 Haunted House 2 

2:;0 Hamlet th-j Dainty 6 

103 How Sister Paxey got her 

Child B.iPti7.ed 2 

24 Handy Andy 2 

236 Hypochondriac The 2 

319 In For It 3 

47 



In the Wrong Box 3 

77 Joe's Visit i 2 

88 Mischievous Nigger 4 2 

Midnight Colic 2 1 



Musical Darkey. 

No Cure No Pay 3 

Not as Deaf aa He See>as 3 



244 Old Clothes. 



234 Old Dad's Cabin 2 

150 OldPompey 1 

246 Othello ; 4 

109 Other People's Children 3 2 

Pomp Green's Snakes 2 



2<>7 

134 Pomp's Pranks 2 

258 Prof. Bones'Latest Invention 5 

177 Quarrelsome Servants 3 

96 Rooms to Let 2 

School 5 

Seeing Bosting...- 3 

Sham Doctor 3 

16.000 Years Ago ». 3 

243 Sports on a Lark 3 

Sport with a Sportsman ~». 2 






1 


3 




92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 1 

238 Strawberry Shortcake 2 

10 Stocks^Up,_Stock8 Down 2 

1 



107 
133 
179 

94 



64 That Boy Sam 3 

25.3 The Best Cure 4 

282 The Intelligence Office 3 



122 The Select School 5 

118 The Popcorn Man 3 

6 The Studio - 3 

108 Those Awful Boys 5 

245 Ticket Taker 3 

4 Twain's Dodging - 3 

197 Tricks 5 

198 Uncle Jeff 5 

216 Vice Versa 3 

206 Villkens and Diniih 4 

210 Virginia Mumm^ 6 

203 Who Stole the Cijickens 1 

205 William Tell 4 

V^^ Wig-Maker and Hi? Servants 3 

Happy Franks Soneter 



m 



The Little Gem Make-Up Box. Price 50 Cents 



3" 



